Visions of Slandeur

GREATEST 10! plus some

2007-06-07T15:19:00.000-07:00

Edit 6/12

This morning at work I steadfastly shirked my duties for which I am unhandsomely compensated to embark upon one bold undertaking. My task of creating my creation was to be one the most difficult I had ever endeavored as I sought to construct the most grand of such lists that was to include the best if not the greatest cinematic works ever produced as witnessed by me. Thus with countless minutes of meditation and the vigorous tapping of the bank where my memory resides, with honor and dedication to the respective lists of Hester and Julian, I present to you my most esteemed opus.

#10 Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon - This proved to be the ultimate in martial arts film making with the perfect blend of drama, intense fighting scenes, fantasy and award winning cinematography. It was a welcome departure from the kick'em up kung fu flicks of the past that were heavy on action and light on storyline. This movie was the standard bearer for Chinese films that sought western crossover appeal and was the mold used for movies like Hero and House of flying Daggers. For me the movie was a culmination of the efforts of Bruce Lee, Ralph Machio, Kung fu theater, Jean Claude, Master Splinter, the geniuses with Capcom gaming who created the Street Fighter series of games and the hopes of millions of misguided aspiring ninja youths worldwide. It was also one of the few foreign films over the years to get lots of acclaim from the American Academy. Fans of the genre appreciated the veteran acting of Chow Yun Fat and was the breakout role for Zhang Ziyi. The film was truly a complete work and is my favorite martial movie.

#9 Titanic - Im almost embarrassed to have this in my top 10 but f@*K it, I love this damn movie. When I saw this movie in the theater I remember being emotionally spent as the credits rolled. I didn't want to leave because I wanted there to be more to the story. With it being an actual historical event, we knew how the story would end but I wasn't expecting to get so involved with the characters. This was our introduction to Kate Winslet and my introduction to the brilliance of DiCaprio. The story was well written and the special effects and camera work had me captivated the entire span of the movie. I can still remember how she called out the name "Jack" as his hand slipped out of hers and he disappeared towards the bottom of the Atlantic. This was classic film making people.

#8 The Pianist - Even if Adrien Brody never makes another film that approaches the quality of this one, he will have nothing to be ashamed about and a one hell of a performance to boast. Admittedly this film makes my top ten with the help of the strength of the movie Schindler's List that has similar subject matter. But the story that is tells of the strength and perseverance of the human spirit and tenacity of the will inside of us to live, will stand the test of time. With the setting being in battle torn Europe during the second world war, you are struck with the helplessness of the people targeted by the evil of Hitlers final solution. The movies is suspenseful, intense, and sad but allows you to remain hopeful in face of some of the most rotten of conditions. If you haven't seen this movie then this should be the very next one that you see.

#7 Malcolm X - Holy shit Spike and Denzel showed their natural asses in this classic. The movie follows the Autobiography of the man as told to Alex Haley pretty closely. This true story of the personal journey of Malcolm Little's transformation to Malcolm X with his life and death following, was sheer brilliance. Although it chronicles the life of a criminal and mid 60's civil rights leader, Lee captures the themes of personal development, redemption, personal evolution and devotion so well that anyone will get drawn into his life in a very personal way. Yet the most mesmerizing and scary aspect of the picture was the way Denzel Washington nearly morphs himself into becoming Malcolm X. The dress, the glasses, the hats, his mannerisms, the way he sounded, his speech patterns were all so very reminiscent of the actual man it was eerie. If you consider yourself to be an American you have to know this story and you should see its theatrical adaptation. This film is a masterpiece and my favorite of Spike's. We will hear more from this Washington guy.

#6 The Shawshank Redemption - In this movie again we explored the themes of the amazing strength of the human spirit, the extreme fragility of the human mind and the complexity of morality and redemption. Freeman is the rock around which all other thespians revolve. The movie is a rollercoaster of emotions but leaves you feeling like a better, more understanding and sympathetic individual. The movie is set in a place and time seemingly very far away from where you are but easily draws you in. I struggled to place this movie in my list because its so magnificent and at the same time Freeman narrates the story with such an even if not a resigned tone that dulls the movie but not in a bad way. It does so that helps you to feel the lack of feeling and the gray and gloom that is felt in the culture of a prison. A culture where the extremes of joy and sadness are harnessed and replaced by the hum-drum of simply surviving. Great movie, great cast. See it again and once again.

#5 Forrest Gump - Life seemed oh so simple for this idiot savant. The film played right into the hands of hopeful idealist everywhere as we found ourselves rooting on this lovable simpleton. Forrest maneuvered his way through some of the most tumultuous times in American history and I loved every minute of it. Gump became and All-American football player, taught Elvis how to dance, played his part in ending segregation, and symbolically weakened the communist way with his mad ping pong skillz. As critical a part as he played in the history of our country all he really cared about was his Jenaay. Nearly as good a comedy as is a drama this film is as entertaining as any and rarely had a dull moment. Forrest gives us all the false confidence we need to believe that anything is possible.

#4 Gone with the Wind - This was the best story told of any movie I have seen. The courage and determination we see in Scarlett is the type of strength we all hope to be able to tap into in our darkest hours. Identifying with with the love she had for the soil of her upbringing and the relentless fervor with which she fought to preserve it, she wins us over. And with the war to preserve our union serving as the backdrop for the story, the historical context is compelling. This movie stands the test of time on the merit of its quality and extreme watchability. Lots of people have many issues with this film but if you can get past those, then you'll be left with a gem of a picture show.

#3 Saving Private Ryan - I've always had a weakness for war movies as they highlight the selflessness and dedication of real citizen heroes who risk their lives for their country and countrymen and the ideals of their homeland. This movie opens with the initial Allied invasion of German occupied France at Normandy. And I tell you that there is not a more intense and real 15-20 minutes of film making in the history of the world. Tom Hanks is brilliant. The journey you take with this band of soldiers is incredible. The movie is authentic. The emotions I felt were real. The movie is great in getting our generation to understand the sacrifice of the generations of the past. If you are American with any concern or appreciation for the comforts you enjoy this movie has to be at the top of your list.

#2 The Lord of the Rings - When I first saw this movie I didn't know it was a trilogy. So you could imagine my disgust as the first movie ends with no resolution as to the fate of Frodo and the ring. Im am not a huge fan of Sci-fi or fantasy but I was swept away with this film. The characters, the dialogues, the special effects, the far away lands, the fellowship, the magic, the darkness and the hope, all had me fixated on what would happen next. I don't identify any movie over another as they are all parts of the same story. I can watch this over and over and its as fascinating as the first time I viewed it. It reminded me of some of the stories of my youth like The Neverending Story or The Dark Crystal. How lucky are we to have lived to see the adaptation of Tolkiens story?

#1 Glory - There is not a more special movie to me than this story of the 54th Massachussetts. This country was founded on the declaration that certain members of our society were born with inalienable rights that included life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Not so for this all black regiment. Matthew Broderick plays the historical Colonel Shaw who led this group of free men, freed men and former slaves and even two of Frederick Douglas' sons to meet their destinies in an attempt to secure an uncertain future for their posterity. Respect was something they knew they didn't have but were willing to earn it by dying for a country who had yet to formally recognize them as humans. This is the story of America. This is the essence of our democratic experiment. This is the struggle of our nation who had not yet made good on its promise to its entire population. Denzel Washington wins a supporting actor Oscar for his role and Morgan Freeman is great as usual. If you ask me this is required viewing for any foreigner seeking citizenship as an American.

Other movies I considered for my top 10 include Ronin, Heat, the Bourne series, The Godfather, Dog Day Afternoon, Scarface, Napoleon Dynamite, Goodfellas, Braveheart, Gladiator and Tears of the Sun.

Farewell McCain

2007-04-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

It honestly hurt me to my heart to see that piece that 60 Minutes ran on Sunday night about Sen. John McCain. And it was his his lack of honesty that hurt him. I was disappointed because the events of the last couple of weeks revealed some flaws in his verity and uncompromising conviction. Those two things that had previously been his strong suits which drew people to him, his campaign and his cause, had been turned inside out into spin and a compromised assuredness.
For those of you who didn't see the piece or are unaware of what was going on, I'll fill in the blanks. John McCain is a war supporter. He may be the only individual currently seeking the next availability in the white house who is on board with the current administration in feeling that to withdraw our troops would be a grave mistake. So Sen. McCain visited Iraq in the fairly recent past. As some members of congress have been know to do, he wanted to accomplish a couple things by visiting the site of our faulty democratic experiment. He wanted to show support for our troops by showing his face in the middle of a war zone and he wanted to gain credibility by being able to say that he rode with our brave soldiers and witnessed the goings on the struggle. The problems started when he returned to the states and reported some things that many felt were hard to believe and very much contradictory to what others were reporting. McCain stated that there were parts of Baghdad that an American could walk around alone without fear of incident and that he traveled around in unarmored vehicles. The media and his audience were skeptical but McCain has never been the that politician to exaggerate the facts or be misleading to his constituency. In fact his career had been quite contrary to that. He was often times the lone ranger in his conservative environment being able to promote what he saw as truth versus what was popular or convenient for partisan support. McCain was frequently the maverick among republicans being able to criticize Dubya, Cheney and Rummy over the handling of the war and even side with Dems on certain issues. If there was any knock on McCain when it came to his ambitions of the chief executive spot it was that he had isolated his right-leaning base and that he would only appeal to political neutrals, undecideds and fence straddlers. So when McCain came home making these remarkably positive proclamations about the situation in Iraq, we were unsure what to believe. Were we to hold true what we were being fed in the media that the situation was bad and getting worse, or were we to swallow what McCain was offering in that the new strategy and surge in Iraq was working. It would have been an ongoing debate if it weren't for a small media outfit called 60 Minutes that was following Senator McCain around the streets of Baghdad with competent reporters and functioning cameras. Turns out that the kool-aid McCain had brewed up was laced. The piece on Sunday night showed that there were no streets safe for unaccompanied travel. McCain strolled the urban markets of Mesopotamia with nothing short of 100 fully armed, highly trained and highly alerted U.S. Marines complete with ground and air support. And his transports to and fro were hardly casual and unprotected, rather they were heavily armored vehicle convoys. When questioned about the discrepancies between what he stated and what we saw in the video he simply explained that he misspoke on the situation and tried to play it off as not this issue. He tried to stress the importance of the lack of violence and the peaceful nature of the area that many spoke so badly of. He wanted us to believe that the war effort that he had so vehemently championed was working the way that he had so desperately wanted it to. And therein laid the problem.
Whether the situation was better or not, he had compromised his integrity. Whether the plan was working or not, Sen. McCain had instantly exhausted alot of the faith that I and others had in him because he had ceased to be an independent bastion of truth and had become a war apologist just like the rest of the current administration. And if the public was going to vote a war supporter in the the white house, we had to believe that your stance on the war was rooted in sound judgement and objectivity. But like the rest of the Bushes he was found to be exaggerating the facts and leading people towards conclusions that were based on his fantasies rather than reality.
Im not sure where Sen. McCain went astray but he barely resembles the guy that was the front runner for the republican nomination some months ago. What kind of campaign strategy is it to tether yourself to such a sinking ship of an issue as the Iraq war and to the administration that appears so incompetent to handle it? If you support the war, do so in a manner as to not let it define your campaign. Talk about the other issues that face our nation like social security, health care, corporate corruption or global warming. Why choose this losing battle to fight? Or do like other conservatives do and allow some completely irrelevant social issue frame the debate like gay marriage, abortion, prayer in schools or the evil of myspace. I mean sit down with Mr. Rove and I'm sure you all could come up with something. But the issue is that you seemed to wager and throw away so much for something that could have brought you minimal praise. Sen. McCain could have easily separated himself from the Bushes. He was actually a war vet who fought and was captured and was imprisoned for a length of time. We know Dubya did everything possible to avoid service. He has a son that is enrolled in a military academy and another son who is 18 and recently enlisted in the army and volunteered to go to Iraq. So the argument that he is not willing to sacrifice his own family for the effort is null and very void.
In the interview I learned a couple of new things too. I learned that in the 2000 campaign, it is thought that the Dubya crowd started a rumor that McCain had fathered an illegit black child. Though they cannot confirm where it came from and the allegations were absurdly false, I dont understand how he could align himself with that group after they so shamelessly tried to slander his name. And the other thing that came out in the interview that really slammed the door shut for me was when the interviewer asked John McCain why he took the stance that he did on the issue of the confederate flag being flown as the state flag of South Carolina. Essentially the senator expressed at the time that he felt that is was a states right issue. That meaning that if the populous wanted it so then the courts nor the feds had the right to do anything about it. For him it was a way to take a stance without really taking a stance. And since then he has recounted that stance. But when asked why he changed him mind on the issue, he honestly stated that it was because he had "ambitions", implying that siding the wrong way in this racial issue would have cost him votes. But admitts that he knew then like he knows now that it is wrong to have that as a symbol that so humiliates, dehumanizes and offends a certain population of the people of South Carolina. It was then that I knew for sure that he may not be the candidate for me.
I have wavered between Obama and McCain for some time but now its all about Barack. I thought John would have been better suited for the office as far as experience but now that notion has been shattered. I think Sen. Clinton is just too much of a lightning rod to have an affective presidency and Guliani and Edwards and the rest don't do a whole lot for me.
I just wish the senator would have made the Kool-aid with more sugar or chosen a different flavor. I ain't goin' out like Jim Jones an' nem so for that ill have to say farewell Mr. McCain.

Polemics 102 - Master of Puppets

2007-03-16T05:29:00.000-07:00

Warning: This post is a mess. I just had some thoughts and started writing.

Although I am a believer in God, I've always questioned what kind of direct role he plays in our everyday lives. We are always taught to let him guide our steps and let him take the lead. But what exactly does that mean? How much does God intervene in our lives if at all? How does he directly influence events, circumstances and decisions that we make if at all? In biblical text we read of countless incidents of God's direct influence in human life. He was there in times of need and delivered his people out of harms way. He kept enemies and heathens at bay and used the non-believers or unfaithfuls as teaching tools or lessons in faith and righteousness for those who were in the know.
Though we don't witness those obvious interactions between creator and created, is that to say that they no longer exist? Does that mean that he is absent or doesn't care anymore? Or oes it mean that we have less use for him now? I mean who needs God when you get stranded in the desert when you've got triple A? And when you get lost we have maps and GPS and Tim Robbins and Iyanla Van Zant. And when you get sick you find the nearest doctor. In any case how do we measure God's influence? What does he really do for us?
I have struggled to grasp the contrary concepts of predestination and free will in the bible. If we are free to make choices then how were we pre-selected for certain fates? And if there is some divine intervention then how does God select the persons he chooses to miracleize? Or when tragedy strikes and he was involved, how did he select the area and people to be affected?
When thinking about topics like this I look for a universal theory. I look for a theory that is applicable in all situations and satisfies all criteria. If God is up there and is pulling strings, even just some of the time, then that interferes with free will. And if God does not intervene then why do we pray? Or do you argue that God only pulls strings when we ask him to? If so then would you attribute "natural" disasters to Gods doing? And if so then who asked him to do it? But if the disasters are truly natural then by what methods does God teach us lessons on faith, purity, grace, mercy and accountability without forcing our hands? Does he test us like he did Job?
It can become a tangled web of circular logic, but its something I deem worthy to better understand. Too many times, I and others ask the question 'why do bad things happen to good people and why do good things happen to good people?' Long has it been a debate between science and religion over the validity of acquired knowledge through experiment and observation or our world and the staples of understanding gathered from the holy book and its interpretation by religious leaders. How can evolution be valid when we know God created us? How can there have been dinosaurs that roamed the earth millions of years ago when we know that God created the earth along with all the animals and then humans somewhere around 10 thousand years ago? How are we to believe? How are we to reconcile what we see and observe versus what we believe and what our faith is in? Is it all a test of faith? Could God have given us this curious and powerful mind for science and innovation and progress only to have it forsake us by having us question his creation and his role in our existence?
Modern physicists still look to find a universal law that links Newton's Laws of motion to Einstein's theory of relativity. Both are accurate and reliable to an extent but fall apart and are not applicable in absolutely all situations. Likewise, I'd like to, with good satisfaction, come to an understanding of what we know from our natural world and that of what we know of our supernatural world.
Here is an example of an axiom widely stated that I am not sure I quite grasp. In times of crisis people often say 'God does not burden us with more than we can bear.' That may be comforting but is it exactly true? If it is then why do people die? And if we are talking about emotional or spiritual burdens then how do we explain post traumatic stress? Or how do we explain depression? Or how do we explain bi-polar issues? Or how do we explain emotional disorders related to childhood horrors from violence or molestation or extended abuse? Or how do we explain it when the death of a spouse is often times so closely followed by the death of the other spouse in marriages that were strong and close and lengthy? These all appear to be symptoms of people's minds not being able to adequately cope with events or stresses that they have encountered in life. Is it that anyone who suffers from these issues are simply not faithful enough to avoid the trappings of a cruel world? I'm not so sure that is the case.
There is a bottomless pit of question only a few of which I unload onto this page, and here is yet another. As you grow older and experience more, how is your faith in what you have been taught affected if at all?

Truth About Cats and Frauds

2007-02-26T15:01:00.000-08:00

Romantic relationships can be tricky. Because your time, energy and space are very valuable, you have to be prudent in whom you decide to invest those precious resources. And when you do find the individual you deem worthy of your personal capital you’ve got to be careful as to not allow your emotional ideals overpower your social instincts. Like lighting a match in a bathroom after vigorous number two chute letting, sometimes our desire for companionship has a real creative method of masking the stench of an otherwise dysfunctional pair bond. Too often we allow our primal desires for security or reproduction replace the god given and more objective critical reasoning, to make judgements about potential mates. Friends and family may attempt to reinforce some of that objectivity but we become just as adept at suppressing them too. Emotions have never been akin to rationality.

In my short period of time here on earth, I’ve been privileged enough to be able observe the character traits of individuals and, with relative accuracy, determine their ability to sustain meaningful relationships. It’s actually quite easy to do as an outsider but infinitely more difficult when directly involved. I have also been blessed enough to be able to observe certain lifestyle patterns and, with varying degrees of certainty, been able to asses or correlate certain behavioral habits or character traits with those lifestyle patterns and therefore draw conclusions as to their relationship worthiness. And in my observations I have noticed a lifestyle preference in each gender that make them absolutely ineligible or if already involved, disqualified for a proper and secure emotional bond. This subset of the female population will be know as “Cat ladies” and the subgroup of the larger male group are to be know as “Fraud dude”. Here are my findings.

Cat lady is an enigmatic creature. She is a mystery that rivals the vexing ponderation we find in Chicken vs. Egg. Is the abundant collection of cats propagated my an extended period of lonely despair? Or was the unnatural affinity for feline companionship the perpetual wedge driven between Lady and sapien companionship? I concede that I shall never with great certainty know the true nature of that relationship but I will postulate you in these few ways. There is no separating the mercurial ways of the cat from Cat Lady. Women who seek comfort in felines as pets tend to posses or take on the very nature of their capture. You will find the attention, warmth and dedication of the captor to be as fickle, whimsical, sporadic and fleeting as the animal with which she resides. Though the Cat Lady’s level of gratitude tends to exceed that of her four legged counterpart, her tendencies to internalize her feelings and concern herself primarily with…well…herself, become problematic. Within a short period of time it becomes obvious that forming any enduring togetherness with any measurable level of intensity will be a daunting task. When the requisite bonding nourishments of communication, selflessness, sympathy and understanding are summoned, Cat lady might find herself wellspring at a dearth. Of course I speak in absurd generalities and I find that these axioms hold up in only an extreme majority of the time.

Fraud dude can be even more elusive. Similarly to the Cat Lady, Fraud’s attention is hard to capture but by definition he is the opposite of your prototypical dude. Unlike his predictable counterpart who enjoys sports, the company of women, beer and his commrades, Fraud is more of a loner. He looks to women for what they can provide him and most notably he does not enjoy team sports. Wimen folk: BEWARE A MAN THAT DOES NOT ENJOY WATCHING LOTS OF TEAM SPORTS. Men are always going to be into something. And if it is not the Chicago Bears or playstation then he will be into something else. What that something else will be only god knows. These men may be hard to spot or recognize as you may find them hanging in sports bars or sports venues. This happens because Fraud is simply interested in social interaction. They are twice as hard to recognize because they have a knack for misrepresenting their motives and intentions and telling people what they want to hear. Be not confused by a man that is into Boxing, Ultimate fighting, tennis or martial arts as these sports are selfish pursuits that only lend themselves to self praise and sole accolades. This is antithetical to the nature of team sports that promotes accountability, responsibility, respect for authority, integrity and teamwork. All are traits of which you look to find in a potential suitor. Fraud may not be readily recognizable but any earnest attempt by even the most casual of observers attending to the details outlined will be able to reveal the imposters.

The Week of Rivals

2007-02-05T09:41:00.000-08:00

Just after half time of last nights game I was looking for something to do. Prince had just finished serenading all the wimen folk and there were more wet panties at this superbowl party than a laundromat. Nonetheless I was bored. You could just tell that the Colts had taken control of the game and the outcome was all but decided. In this moment I couldn't help but to ponder a question that someone had thrown out for discussion earlier in the night. "Why doesn't Duke turn out any productive NBA players" a random individual queried. All in attendance knew that the question was mere rhetoric and was only an attempt to point out a flaw in a nearly flawless program. Most shook their heads in agreement. I too agreed in my head but something weird happened. Contrary to my obvious tarheel loving nature and the approval of the afore-mentioned criticism, I blurted out "get out of here, that argument is old. You could have said that several years ago but there are several players in the league that are doing their thing like Brand, Maggette, Boozer and Grant." I am still trying to understand the exact cause of this inexplicable outburst in defense of the arch enemy of my beloved Heels and I'm sure it has something to do with my previous post and my penchant for polemics. Some jumped all over me with verbal assaults but somewhere in the melee I mentioned that I was actually a Tarheel fan which confused them all even more and thusly ended the debate as they most certainly pegged me as crazy at best and a traitor at worst. Either way that conversation in the midst of the greatest gridiron game of the year was symptomatic of the lunacy that is 'Rivalry Week'.
For the first time all year College Basketball has the spotlight in the national sports scene. The shadow cast on the sport by pro football has been removed and only now can we appreciate the accomplishments of these enthusiastic amateurs. We can concentrate on the sport that has the most exciting post-season tournament and this week of rivalries is a just a precursor to the madness to ensue in March. On Wednesday the mighty University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill Tarheel Mens Basketball juggernaut will make the 10 mile trek to cam'ron indoor stadium to face the cowardly blue goblins of dook. Carnage shall ensue. They hype has already taken ahold of me and I am powerless to my emotions. I am ashamed of some of the ways that the overflowing emotion can manifest itself but I am just a mere victim of the madness. Here is an example of how I got carried away. This is an email I sent a good friend of mine from high school who I met in North Carolina. He's a good guy but happens to be a dook fan.

Dear Dude,

There are at least two times a year that I cease being any type of meaningful associate of yours let alone a friend. This year the two dates are Feb 7 and Mar 4. And with the aggies pretending like they want to be a national contender this # of dates may increase in the near future.
That being said I sincerely hope that you a$$holes win tonight against virginia and also against the semen-holes of Fla St in three days. Because I desire nothing more than for my rolling Heels you knock you and your coach K following blow hards off your collective high horse riding, blue arsses. Trust me when I say that I derive no greater pleasure from anything on this earth than from the pleasure I get from seeing the confused looks on the faces of the cameron idiots errrr crazies and the other cheering fanatical losers on the deep end of the bench, whose legs remain as pasty white as the day they were born due to those limbs never seeing the light of day from up under the permanence that is their warm-up suits, when they are getting their spirits crushed on the 90 some odd feet of hardwood. In six days I am confident that my wildest fantasies shall come to fruition and the order of the universe will be righted when we confirm that the center of the basketball universe is in its proper domain in Chapel Hill. Fathers will kiss their daughters and sons will hug their mothers and all will find comfort in knowing that the demise of the demons in durham is no exaggeration but in fact is upon us. May God have mercy on your soul.

I know that sounded harsh but I apologized for my actions and assured him that there is only a 75% chance that it will happen again.
In response to my unbridled hateration he sent me this well constructed policy via email.

Haymaker insurance to be offered by Woodrow-Wendling Insurance Group, LLC

Feb. 5, 2007 AP Wire
For immediate release

Austin TX - The Woodrow-Wendling Insurance Group is offering a limited policy for customers seeking haymaker insurance for the week of Feb. 5, 2007, a week known to college basketball enthusiasts as 'Rivalry Week'. The policy covers bodily injury resulting from the 1) preemptive attacks by rival fans prior to said game and 2) post-game revenge missions carried out by agents of rival fans, institutions, and close friends (or their pets). Sustained injuries such as powder-keg, back-of-neck bitch slaps, unforeseen "wet-willies"**, and, of course, the ubiquitous and devastating, full-frontal barrage known as the "haymaker", will be covered in full. Other conditions covered in whole or part include PHMLOSD (Post-HayMaker-Late-OnSet-Syndrome-Disorder) as well as medical reimbursement for insomnia resulting from head and/or ear canal trauma.

Visit http://ineversawitcoming.com for more information.

** "Wet-willie" is a generic term used for one of two popular humiliation-inducing techniques:
1) the moisty finger of one's nemesis is inserted into helpless victims ear and held for several seconds as victim tries to resolve "what in the hell is in my ear".
2) said nemesis sucks on his own left index finger and inserts his right index finger in victims ear, creating a "wet-willie by distributive property" effect. This method was made popular in the 4th grade.

My email response: By the way, what is a powder-keg?
Him: It was simple literary device, part imagery, part onamotapoeia that describes the torso-twisting, bend-your-knees and get-your-back-into-it wind-up that precedes a professionally-delivered back-of-neck haymaker.

Polemic Exercises

2007-01-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am a contrarian just for arguments sake. I like a good debate and I like to make people think about, the opinions they have that they consider to be absolute truth or, the opionions they have that they never considered to be less than truths. I do this for a couple of reasons. Because I like to immerse myself in information from many different types of sources I find myself conflicted about things that most people are very sure of and that I used to be very sure of. So any time I can make someone elses otherwise black and white world a little more gray, I jump at the opportunity. It helps my esteem. And I also do it because it makes my thought process sharper. I like arguing a side of an issue that I dont necessarily agree with to challenge my own line of thinking.
Although I make an effort to do this now, I started doing this in college unconsciously. I met and talked with people who had very different experiences and perspectives that I saw as valid although contrary to my own. And eventually I came to see that I appreciated not the people who had similar views as me but those whose minds were open to new ideas as my mind was. My interest wasn't in like minded individuals or those who affirmed my experience. And in time I began to grow annoyed by people uninterested in expanding their world view.
I grew up adopting certain christian beliefs and eventually my secular evolution gave way to a spiritual one. Ideals that I once saw as my truth I found to be more societal or cultural constructs. And specifically I began to question the way that God influenced our lives. I questioned the way that we viewed our relationships with God as believers and the balance of duties, roles and responsibilities between the creator and the created.
Wikipedia says that Polemics is the practice of disputing or controverting religious, philosophical, or political matters. As such, a polemic text on a topic is written specifically to dispute or refute a topic that is widely viewed to be a sacred cow or beyond reproach, in an effort to promote facual awareness. The antonym of a polemic source is an apologia. The word is derived from the Greek word polemikos which means warlike.
Even though I wasnt familiar with the term, Polemics was my mental pilates. And I found it essential because although conventional widsom is convenient, it is not necessarily consistent with what we know and observe. My thoughts on religion, race, ethics, cultural repsonsibility, ethnic and national allegiance, politics and governance all began to be thoroughly examined. For me it was fun and enlightning because it felt like evolution. I felt like the more I knew the better a being I was and the more responsible a being I was able to be by making more informed and aware decisions about my life and how I led it.
Okay I wanted to make a brief introduction on what I wanted to discuss and give a brief background on why I consider such things but it has turned into much more so let me stop here because I have no structure. And If you gathered from the past few paragraphs that I am some type of tolerant, justice seeking, I am my brothers keeper, Che Guevera t-shirt wearing, starbucks drinking liberal, u're wrong. I like my women with perms and I hate my neighbor just as well as the next guy. I keed!

Polemic Exercise #1: Disputing the "Even Stevens" ideal

I call it the "Even Stevens" ideal but the concept is rooted in the thought pattern that all men are created equal and that the world order tends towards fairness to the fair and reward for those who are righteous. I steal the term from the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry finds that no matter what he does or no matter what he loses, it comes back to him some kind of way. The scene I remember best is the one when he has made his declaration of being Even Steven and Elaine decides to test the theory. She asks him for a dollar or maybe even a twenty and Jerry asks why. She says just give it to me and Jerry does begrudgingly and she proceeds to ball it up and throw it out the window of his high rise apartment dwelling. Later he unexpectingly finds the exact same denomination of bill in his jacket pocket. He can't lose.
I am suprised by how many people expect their lives to go like that. People expect that God will bring them good fortune after they have gone through rough times and they expect that misfortune will come their way when to much seems to be going right. People tend to compare their success or lack there of to other people they know and attempt to rationalize or explain away the differences. People like to think that if someone at work is working their way up the ladder and they are not, that the individual is working so hard that his or her family life is suffering and going through so much stress in the pursuit of glory that they dont sleep well if at all. Or they rationalize that they must be an arse kisser and therefore not as good a person as they are as to maintain their dignity and integrity. People too like to believe that although people are not born with the same talents we are born with talents that equal out because certainly where one person excels they will be deficient in some other area. For example we like to characterize people we perceive as smart and hyper intellegent as social duds. We like to think that they have no lives and spend their free time reading and collecting stamps to assuage our feelings of inferiority. And we like to think that professional athletes blessed with extraordinary size, strength and bank accounts are dumb and moral sub par to molify our feelings of being shortchanged when God was handing out genetic blessings.
My contrary theory on this is long and not very well developed but the short of it is that we are not equal and it takes an understanding person to understand that. It is absolutely required that we treat each other the same, but some of us are going to have an easier time at living than others, but that is not to say that God loves you any less or values you any less or made a mistake in your creation. So you shouldn't go around in life sizing everyone and everything up and comparing it to your situation. Or if you do compare everything you shouldn't define your self worth by it. Using your surroundings as a guage for where you should or could be is fine, but just realize that you cannot expect things to turn out for you just the way they did for someone else. Life doesn't work that way and was never intended to.

There were supposed to be a couple more exercises but this post is getting long and I am tired of writing it. My attention span is shot. I will post the rest in another entry.

Holla if you hear me. What are some of the life myths you had to dispell? What have you discoverd in your pursuit of truth?

Gorilla Removal

2007-01-22T11:15:00.000-08:00

Holy crap what a game. I grew up with a healthy disdain for Peyton Manning. When he was a Vol my gators gave him fits and he still hears a bout how he never beat Florida in his 4 starts at QB. But since he has been a professional I couldn't help but to root for the guy. He's very muchly the opposite of a Vick or a T.O. and just seems to "get it" when it comes to leadership and professionalism in a team sport. So when that guy has had so much success in the regular season but get this rep as a someone who cant deliver when it matters, I find myself pulling for him to get it done one time to silence the haters. Well he got it done in a grand fashion last night and a colossal collapse couldnt have happened to a more deserving team than the Pats. Manning may have gotten the 500lb gorilla off of his back but the damn things is still in the room. He's got to win the big bowl to shut everybody up for good. And maybe people will shutup about Rex Grossman too. People fail to realize that that guy has about a season and a half of starts in his career. That is not alot for what is considered an experienced quarterback.
Im gonna end up pulling for Dungy and crew in the championship game but for me it will be a win win situation. Ill enjoy watching either coach win and I don't really have any issues with either team. I will be a historic super bowl and Im eager to observe all the hype and storylines and subplots they come up with over the next two weeks.
Just before kick-off of the second game my buddy called and said that he was glad that he didnt take the bet we talked about the day before because he thought that the Saints would pull off the upset. I told him that the Bears would make it ugly, so in an attempt to augment his loss of credibility and subsequent manhoodliness, he went through with a bet of $50 on the second game. The mission was not accomplished and I demanded my payment in small bills.
I other sports news, my Tarheels rolled, the Aggies look like a genuine contender, and no one in the SEC seems to want to give UF a game. And I'd like to give Tubby Smith a heartfelt congratulations for losing to vandy at home for the second straight year. In a weekend where we were celebrating the accomplishments of black coaches and the addition of another in steel-town, you manage to add more fuel to the 24hr burning stake they've got going just outside of Lexington reserved just for you. I would invite Ashley Judd to more games to take some of the attention off of you.

Quality programming alert of the week: The White Rapper Show
Vh1 has got this show that is part The Apprentice and part American Idol searching for the next great white rapper. I've yet to see a full episode and Im not even sure when they air it originally but its great entertainment. Im pretty sure the dude hosting the show is MC Search from the now defunked group 3rd Base but rest assured they keeps it all the way real. I guess the weasel hasnt gone pop yet.

Diversity Discotheque

2007-01-11T12:26:00.000-08:00

Almost by accident was I listening to the "Bert" morning show on all the hits Q100(100.5) this past Wednesday morning. It's one of the most popular shows on probably the most listened to radio station here in Atlanta. They play top 40 pop music like Tiberlake, Aguilera, Fall Out Boy, Ursher, Chris Brown, JoJo, V. Carlton, Maroon 5, Green Day and other stuff like that. It has a pretty specific demographic but this morning they were in the middle of an interview with another local DJ named Frank Ski from 103.3 radio station that played mostly Urban pop like T.I., Wayne, Jay-z, Ying-Yang, Mary, Ne-yo, Dem Franchize Boyz, Young everyone, and everything else dirty and southern. Pause

Rewind: A couple of months ago I remember listening to the "Bert Show" and him interviewing a fella about the peculiar partying habits of Atlanta's nightlife participants. This dude was some sort of promoter but Bert was curious why, in a city with so much cultural diversity, no club or owner or management or promoter had a night where whites and blacks would party together. Most establishments would be know as or have a reputation as a club for specific ethnicity's. Some establishments would have set aside nights for whites or blacks or whoever but no place would you find everyone at a party together. This dude had several valid and reasonable reasons why it didn't happen but didn't really say that it couldn't happen. Bert and the rest of the morning crew gave there opinions on the matter and all agreed that there is no reason that it couldn't happen but didn't know exactly what to do about it. I don't remember the show ending with any type of resolution but after listening to the interview yesterday morning a few seconds, I realized that this was an extension of that conversation some months ago. Fast forward

And in this interview with Frank Ski, they were jointly promoting what they called The Unity Party. It is to be held this Sunday night at the Lotus Lounge, the eve of the MLK holiday and is an attempt to bring together peoples from different backgrounds into one locale for a night of debaucherous solidarity. Frank and Bert went back and forth on the implications of this night and the obstacle they had encountered along the way and their hopes for the night. And I found the whole exchange very interesting and somewhat surprising. I never would expect a coalition of relatively young people to actually follow through on an idea conceived on a morning show. Most of the time they are talking trash and just trying to make people laugh but it looks like they have really put this thing together. And I am surprised that there was an establishment willing to host this experiment.

Although the idea is noble, I am a bit skeptical about how it will turn out. I think for the most part people like a certain level of familiarity when they go out and party and dont want to think about any type of social implications in the midst of their intoxicated posturing. And honestly I dont think that there will be too many people there that dont already party with different crowds anyway. I am curious to see what the turn out will be and I think it will say alot about the way people view race relations here in the ATL. Will alot more of one demographic show up as opposed to another? Will the streets be flooded with people trying to get in or will they have to shut the thing down early? Will the crowd show up with a good mix of people only to segregate inside, or will I be conducting walk-it-out and chicken noodle soup tutorials in the back? What will the DJ's play? Will we hear more D. Beddingfield than Young Joc? Will we get a bunch of Mariah, Alicia Keys, Marky Mark, J.T., Christina Agriculture, Hall & Oates, Milli Vanilli, Teena Marie, Young MC and other ethnically ambiguous, friendly, confused and neutral artists?
This could end up being really cool or really weird. It could be the start of a long lasting tradition or it could be a wigger convention mingling with negroes with albino gorillas on their backs and end up feeling way too much like high school. Either way i'll be in the house if only to report the the carnage. And white people, if any shooting breaks out, just do what the rest of the black people are doing.

Freak A Leak

2007-01-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Another championship looms on the horizon for one of the teams that I claim as my own. My team is defined as a team in which I have a disturbingly odd and deeply emotional and inexplicable vested interest in seeing succeed and meeting my absurdly high and largely unatainable goals on an continual and ongoing seasonal basis. Rarely do I find these yearly exercises fulfilling yet they proceed automatically and unabated. I find myself feeling the highest of highs when victorious and the lowest of lows when defeat is accepted. I've found myself powerless to cease these painful rituals so I've learned to find a peace in my sports junkie-ness.
I've had a string of unprecedented successes in the past year or so. My Tarheels won an NCAA national basketball championshiop in '05 as did my beloved Steelers claim world dominance with their super bowl win for the '05 season. '06 wasn't as kind to them but my Gators have shown a good deal of excellence this season. And their reward for such righteous student-altheticism is a chance to prove their worthiness as champions in the last college football contest of the 2006 season. Their evil opponents will manifest themselves as a cock biting group of buckeys from the state of Ohio. Most say that the team from the midwest is a far superior to my Gator team, but to that I respond with my most rigid and sincere middle finger salute, as I proclaim "Bring 'em On!!!!"
Be not discouraged Gator nation. For all that is sufficient for victory is the power of the orange and blue and moral authority provided us from the omnipotent namesake connection of our divine head coach Urban Meyer to the Papacy of the holy roman order of antiquity. My allegiance to and well standing in the nation of Gators has afforded me a vision of glory and the final and just score of tonights all but futile contest. And it reads; Gators of Florida 77, Cockbiters of Ohio 2. May the Swamp be with you.

Did That Just Happen?

2007-01-05T14:13:00.000-08:00

Ok I just had one of the weirdest conversations of my life with my sister just now. I tried to call someone on my cell phone but I accidentally called my sister. I hit the send button and realized that I hit the wrong # and I hung up in what I thought was an immediate fashion. Apparently the call went through and registered on her phone. Now you should know that my sister was due to have her baby on Jan 1 and started to have contractions yesterday morning. So right now shes in the hospital and is actually in labor RIGHT NOW. And about two minutes later, she calls me back and is like "hey whats up?" And Im like "sorry didnt mean to call you." And shes all "why not?" And Im all "because I figured you were kinda busy...like...having a baby!"

Sister: Yeah but I can talk. I got an epidural and I feel good.
Me: Uhh like how far along are you?
Sister: I am 10cm dialated. Mom and Kevin(hubby) and my friend Angie are all in here chillin with me.
Me: **knowing she needs to be 9cm to have the baby** Well....uhhhh....okaaayy. Do you need me to help you with breathing exercises or something?
Sister: Ohhh this baby is in my bum!!!!!!
Me: **crickets**
Sister: There is sooo much pressuuuuuuuuure!!!
Me: I feel like im on a practial joke show.
She repeats what I just said to everyone in the room and I hear lots of laughter in the background.
Sister: Ok I should go. Ill call you back in 20 minutes or so after I have this baby.
Me: arright bye.

Life, Liberty and...

2006-12-18T12:11:00.000-08:00

I've always been more fascinated by the reality of history and human circumstance than with the creative constructs of fiction. My favorite movies to watch have always been the Glory types as opposed to Star Wars. I prefer a biography or some type of cultural commentary, to the writings ofGrisham or Anne Rice. This fact is exactly why I discovered my new favorite movie this weekend. For me the hype didn't overshadow the performance. This movie was better than advertised and I feel like I learned something about myself after seeing it. If you ask me, this was the pinnacle performance for any rapper turned actor. The theme is universal. This story revealed more about the human mind and the human experience than Crash could have ever hoped for. I hope Ludacris will watch this movie and take notes because Will Smith put on a clinic. I'm not saying that Will is Denzel but he did his damn thing. I don't care what type of movie you like but The Pursuit of Happyness is a holiday must see. It's an inspirational story that speaks to the power of redemption through labor and success. The movie takes you to where humility borders shame but where self-confidence never merges with arrogance. I was also impressed with Jayden Smith. He's a natural and even surprised Will according an interview I saw last week. Hey Dakota there's a new kid on the block and his mom is hotter than yours! If there was a best father son on screen duo category for the golden globes they would win. This is not the best movie that I have seen by a long shot but it is by far one of my favorites.

Wasn't Built in a Day

2006-12-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

We’ve seen a sharp shift in the thinking about this war in Iraq. This is exactly what Americans wanted when they voted Democrats into the majority in our national legislative branch of government. Im not sure if the release of the findings of the Baker report is convenient for perceived immediate change for the soon to be ruling donkey party but it doesn’t appear to be hurting them. The report basically calls for a gradual reduction of U.S. forces over the next couple years and requires that we make a larger push to train Iraqi forces that they will be able to take over and take control of their own country. The sooner this happens the sooner our guys stop dying. Although I do believe that it is inevitable, I am torn about a timetable for withdrawal. Getting out of there prematurely could prove to be a big disaster in the long run. But I am actually less concerned about the international implications of leaving the middle east than I am about what this may indicate about our country. The identity of the United States has changed dramatically in the past 50 years. Since WWII we have gone from one of the major players in world relations to THE major player. We have transformed from a country with isolationist ideals to a country that’s seeks to satisfy our interests worldwide. Our innovation and success and ever-increasing standard of living has afforded us many luxuries that previous generations of Americans never saw. Education is no longer seen so much as a privilege as it is a right. Most of us are more concerned with Bobby and Whitney than we are about the national debt. But that is a good thing if you ask me. We have so effectively wrapped ourselves in this protective blanket of economic and military superiority that we feel secure enough to not care. Our daily focus can be totally individual and local in their scope. We have the opportunity to focus on religion, family, art, music, movies, PS3’s, celebrity and the other things that make a culture very rich. Capitalism and democracy have proven to be the dominant model for society and we export it any time a situation presents itself.
In the 230 or so years since we declared our independence, we’ve developed from a group of scrappy anarchist to being seen as the establishment itself. Our culture has morphed from one who prided itself in its resourcefulness, sacrifice, and ingenuity to a country who feels that its birthright is to go to college and drive an SUV. I’m not sure that everyone understands that things have not always been like this here in America. And I’m not sure that everyone understands that every great society has a shelf life. I think that too many of us think that America’s greatness runs on autopilot. Some don’t realize that our way of life is the result of blood and a dedication to the ideal of this experiment. Things are far from perfect but I think that we have tons of things to be proud of.
Now that our standards and expectations are far different than those of our forebear’s I question if we have the drive and hunger to get done the tough things of our world. Will we be up to the challenges that the future will present us? I pray that our new focus on the way that we will deal with Islamic fascist is not symptomatic of a failing resolve. I desperately want not to believe that this new phenomenon of placing timetables on wars is a sign that Americans have lost their stomach and fortitude for progress. We have to know that this world is dynamic and makes very little room for those who are not able to adjust and adapt. I hope that wisdom, prudence and foresight are behind the motivations of our new leadership and not convenience and status quo. God Bless America.

I Was Thinking

2006-12-04T14:23:00.000-08:00

Videos on Vh1 played in the background while I dressed for work this morning. I had just finished putting a professional iron to my crisp and clean baby blue Nautica button down shirt and I was applying an ample fresh coat of my brand new vaseline intensive care cocoa butter lotion to my desperately dry skin as not to risk the possibility of spontaneous combustion at some point throughout the day when my hypo-hydrated, astonishingly ashy epidermis might overheat from the friction of routine activity, when a befuddling p-diddy video feat. Christina Aguilera started to play on the tele. Dude was dancing and rapping very badly when he triggered some befuddling thoughts about inter-gender relations.
Puffy has been extra prominent in the media in the past few weeks with his new album and all, but he also has done a series of interviews that gave us some insight to his personal life that was very eye opening. He was on the cover of last months Essence magazine I believe, with this long time girlfriend and baby’s momma Kim Porter. I heard a lot of what I know from that interview but I also saw him on the Tyra Banks show of which I am a big fan. The facts from those interview that I found so revealing were as follows. Diddy basically left Kim for J-Lo. Puffy admitted that he didn’t get enough ego stroking from Kim and that he loved J-Lo. He said that one of the reasons that he and Lopez didn’t work out was because he couldn’t let go of Kim because he felt that she was his soul mate. I’m still not sure how you give up all that Latina loveliness. Now after acknowledging that he knew he has to be with Kim he also let it be known in no uncertain terms that Puff in essence really loves the ladies. He is not sure if can or will get married but one thing that he is sure of is that the ladies love him too. And through it all, Kim was willing to take him back and possibly live happily ever after. All of this information is not noteworthy because I’m some kinda celebrity gossip feeder, but its interesting to me because I think it says a lot about the true nature of humans and interpersonal relationships. Let me explain further from an assuming, unapologetic and perfectly subjective male perspective.
When I was fairly young, I vividly remember a sitter calling me a male chauvinist pig. I can’t remember why but at the time I had no clue as to what it meant and I still have a hard time understanding what in the world a 10 year old boy could say to make her feel that way. As I grew older I slowly started to pick up all of its implications and I still keep that accusation in the back of my head. I admittedly subscribe to specific gender roles but I would hardly call myself a pig. But what man would? I have always thumbed my nose at the notion of certain modern femi-nazi errrrr feminist ideals, mostly dismissing them as the lunacy of bitter bull-dikes. Not that I have anything against lesbos but if you ain’t sharin’ then I ain’t carin’. Munch all the carpet you like but I’ll watch with only the most disapproving of stares. I digress. But as a minority, I absolutely recognize the importance of inclusion of under represented populations into the mainstream. Its only necessary and only right. But I cant help but to think that situations like the current Diddy and Kim relationship support my ideas and detract from the neo-woman’s idea of the no bullshit taking, slap an unfaithful man in the back of his head, self-sufficient, independent, I’m better by myself than with your indecisive ass, type muff diver errr type of gal. From my perspective Mr. Combs had violated several of the established no-no’s of the dating ritual but seemed to get a widespread pass by the media and fans. This was not necessarily a surprise to me but it seemed to fly in the face of holy fidelity and anti misogynistic trends these days. The observation led me down a path to this conclusion. Power makes people very forgiving. Diddy is seen as the premier hip-hop mogul. Russell is doing his thing but isn’t quite as high-profile and prolific and Sean Carter is still relatively new to the mogul thing compared to Sean Combs. Diddy like no other makes careers and like he said, ‘expects a standing a ovation every time he walks into a room.’ For sure he gets special treatment because he is a celebrity but I believe that there is something to this power thing. I think that if a woman perceives you to be good or superior or at the top of your game at whatever it is you commit your resources towards, assuming that she respects the game, then it seems to me that you gain a certain level of respect that is permissive of certain behaviors that other less successful males can get away with. Observe the following exempli gratia.
See the real issue, whether wimen folk want to acknowledge it or not, is that they want a man that is going to provide. They want to maintain their independence and all that but they desperately want to have a male for support, guidance and leadership. It’s in a womans nature to look for this but it is also in her nature to test your manhood because she needs to have faith in your competence and capabilities. And when you are judged to have fallen short of expectations then your credibility leaves along with her respect for you. But when you have shown that you are up to the task then you typically have a person solidly in your corner for a good while.
Lets look at Miranda. Yes that Miranda the red head from Sex in the City. We all observed how she and Steve suffered through their relationship. Sure it was a fictional story but a perfect example of how thing can go awry if one partner is dissatisfied with the other. Miranda was never satisfied with Steve and how she perceived his success or ambition or drive or accomplishment. She was constantly questioning and second guessing his decision making and the bottom line is that she didn’t respect him. She never really trusted him enough to put part of her life into his hands. She knew cognitively that he was a nice, caring, well-intentioned man, but instinctively there was something missing. He was never her everything. Charlotte’s marriage to the dude with the meddling mother was a similar situation. She needed him to make some tough decisions for the sake of their bond and he never could quite step up to the plate.
Would Corretta Scott have stayed with Martin Jr. if he weren’t the King? Would Jackie have stayed with John Fitzgerald if he weren’t president? Would Hilary have stayed with Willy if he didn’t run the free world? Am I overthinking this or am I on to something? Women get wet eerrrr weak weak weak people. I was trying to say that women get WEAK for many different types of personally specific reasons but power is universal to them all.

In other thoughts from the weekend

The BCS did what it was developed to do. It is not a perfect system and a playoff is essential and inevitable. But the idea, as it was designed, was to pit the two best teams together for a definitive national championship game. Before the BCS idea came in to play, you would have two really good teams who would finish the season with rightful claims to the title. But the issue was that they would never have a chance to duke it out because conference participants were locked into bowl games and poll voters would be given the task of electing a champ based on really subjective ideas. Then they changed to rules so that one bowl would be able to chose who played in the game which would be the #1 and #2 ranked teams in the land. They have tweaked the formula a few times to determine who would be that 1 and 2 but this year it actually turned out to be an easy decision. Michigan finished the season with one loss. But they were easily handled by the consensus #1 buckeyes. So that eliminates one team from the race because we already know for sure that the wolverines are not better than the buckeyes. So why give them a rematch? We suspect that Ohio St. can beat Florida but we don’t know for sure. So the voters got it right when they leaped the gators over the wolves into the #2 spot. Its and attempt to eliminate all doubt. That is why the BCS was created in the first place, to end a lot of the guessing. Not perfect but it works for me.
And for the sake of argument, since most are ready to anoint Ohio St. as champs, I think the gators will make this one hell of a game. We may even see some defense played. I don’t know why people always judge the quality of a team by its offensive prowess but I am here to warn you that we have a long line of examples of underdog teams with good defenses that upset these offensive juggernauts in big games. Ask the 2005 super bowl champion Steelers about beating the Colts. Ask the 2000 Oklahoma Sooners about beating the Seminoles and ask the 2002 Ohio St. Buckeyes about beating the Miami Hurricanes. And ask the 1996 Fla. Gators about playing the Seminoles the first time that year.
In NFL updates, the Steelers won this week but they still suck. Who cares about everyone else.
I would talk about college basketball but its too early in the season but things are looking up for my Tarheels. After seeing Florida and Kansas play over a week ago, I was ready to crown either one of their asses. They both looked really damn good and Carolina had come off a disappointing loss to the Zags. But low and behold the Gator and the Jayhawks are who we thought they were and they both ate fat ones against lesser competition this past week. So basically what I am trying to say is that Carolina is not the only team with issues. I don’t believe in Pitt but I need to see UCLA and Ohio St. play some more. Duke is looking pretty lame although they tend to get better throughout the season and I think TAMU will bite it before long too.

Now If You Want To Crown Their Asses...

2006-11-20T13:09:00.000-08:00

Let me just get right to the point of this post. R.I.P Bo Shimybeckford but F**k Michigan, screw the maize and blue, damn the weak 11 errr big 10 conference and everything they stand for. I've simply had enough of people telling us that we undoubtedly saw the two best teams in the country play each other on Saturday afternoon. Im sick of hearing that michigan deserves a rematch because no one else in the country is worth to play ohio st. in a championship game so we might as well give 'em a do over. Michigan has had there opportunity to knock off the country's best team and they failed. That was there national championship game and they lost. They gave up an ass load of points and yards and simply didnt get it done. To say that Michigan is obviously better than USC or UF or Arkansas is ridiculous. You have to apply the same reasoning to this wolverine team that you do to the teams that people said should not get a shot at a title like W. Virginia, Louisville, and Rutgers. Michigan made a name by having a one game season against Notre Dame and just being michigan. The Big 10 was nearly just as weak as the Big East and michigan couldnt even slow ohio st. down the entire game. A rematch is the worst idea ive heard since Kobe decided to rap. The Fox network and OJ think that a rematch is a bad idea. Donald Rumsfeld and Iraqi civilians think that michican invading ohio st. one more time is a bad idea. The dude who went hunting with Dick Cheney and took buckshots to the dome thinks that a rematch is a bad idea. Pacers center Jermaine Oneil and that dude who tried to sneak up behind him during the brawl in The Palace and got his face cracked think that a rematch is a bad idea. Bobby Knight and the player he stole in the head think that a rematch is a bad idea. Michael Jordan and minor league baseball think that Michigan should quit all the talk about a rematch. I overheard Michelle Wie and the PGA talking about how a rematch would be silly. All the supporters of the current NCAA Division I-A method of electing a champ say that the beauty of it is that the regular season is the playoffs so we dont need a college post season process. Well if thats true then Michigan just got eliminated. And by that logic ohio st. is the lone remaining undefeated team so they are who we thought they were so lets just go ahead and crown there asses. Yeah thats it. Im in favor of foregoing the BCS championship game this year altogether and just announcing they buckeyes as national champs now. Like right now. I mean any team they play will have at least one loss. So who gets the championship if ohio loses in the final game? That doesnt sound fair. This is a BCS problem that no one has talked about to date. The concern was that there would be three or more undefeated teams and one or more teams would get left out in the cold. Well lets see them try to fix this one.

What Now?

2006-11-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

I will be eager to see how things play out in Washington now. Through all the scandals, deception and corruption, I think Americans made it pretty clear last night that they were pretty sick of it. And just think, this was the party that was supposed to restore integrity back to government. Although I tend to trust democrats more, I am not a huge fan of either party in large. And now dems have a huge task ahead of them that just may prove to be the perfect set up for disaster. I know that republicans were completely embarrassed last night while losing control of the House and losing at least 4 Senate seats but now the pressure is on the dems to raise a sinking ship. Americans made it clear that we wanted a change in direction but no one on the left has offered many clear consensus ideas. This wasn’t an election in favor of the left, it was a no confidence vote for conservatives. Now the hope of our future lies in the hands of a party that doesn’t have any substantial power to address many of the wrongs we hope to be righted. And in politics, its not necessarily what you do as much it is about how you meet expectations. And the expectations are that we fix the mess in Iraq, create new policies to improve our economy and job market, improve international relationships, champion the smart ways to handle stem cell research and same sex marriage, and keep the momentum into 2008 to elect a competent, knowledgeable, and flexible individual supported by a non- ideological administration to lead our country. So the set up I fear is that it will damn near impossible for dems to meet all of those expectations in two years. And be rest assured that the right wing ‘ganda machine will be in full effect the entire time. Dems wont be able to fart good without 'ole righty knowing exactly what he had for lunch. Every idea they have or suggestion they make will be twisted, contorted and spun to make them look out of touch with reality and out of step with the mainstream. Its what they do and they are good at it.
So let’s continue to talk about conservatives. What has happened differently in the past two years to convince you that this administration and right controlled congress is no longer capable of getting the job done? Or let me phrase that a different way. What has the administration done or not done since the last election when Dubya was re-elected to finally convince you that they had no clue as to handle the situations we find our selves in now? I mean the cat was out of the bag two years ago. How many documentaries have to be made and how many books written that outline the severe incompetence of this group, before you start to realize that something was awry? Michael Moore had made Fahrenheit 9/11. Dick Clarke, who was a Washington insider, had already written his book. Colin Powell had already announced that he was quitting the administration along with a slew of other top officials, and what could be more damning than Colin’s conspicuous silence on the issues. Iraq was already a cluster f**k, and North Korea and Iran were already getting out of hand. I don’t like to sound pessimistic but the time to change courses was two years ago. Now Dubya has had two nominees the Supreme Court and was given another 48 months to work his Texas magic. Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to live in a vacuum. And with great certainty, someone should be able to explain to the families of the 3000+ soldiers that we’ve lost in the conflict why it was necessary.
Although we’ve heard this two trillion times I think it is as true as it’s ever been, we want a leader who is not committed to towing a party line. We want a leader that is committed to making the right decision for the country and be willing and capable of surrounding him/herself with the most educated of persons and willing to listen to reason. They need to be internationally minded while keeping American interests in the forefront. We want candidates that have fresh ideas, diverse perspectives, and we want them to have bought into the ideal of inclusion and success for all American citizens. I know that there are a few potential candidates that can meet those criteria but I’m not sure that American is ready to vote for a woman, a black man, or across party lines. That would be a shame because that is what America might need whether it is ready for it or not. Lets just see what kind of progress we can make in the next two years I guess.

Communal Craziness

2006-10-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

I've never been comfortable with the idea of mental illness. Its because we know so little about it. We don't understand how it happens and we don't know how to fix it. It is even hard to recognize at times. We have drugs that take some of the edge off but it can never cure you and you will be dependent on them infinitely. The only things we know for sure is that mental illness can be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain or certain traumatic experiences can flip a switch and cause you to never be right ever again. Mental illness is also troubling because there is no reasoning with a head sick person. It is for the same reason that I don't too much care for small children and wild animals. You just assume try to convince a two year old that sticking figurines up his nose is not a good idea or persuade a charging lion why eating you would be bad for his G.I. track. We don't do a great job of handling our crazies. Millions deal with depression with a lot of them feeling trapped with no where to turn. And every year here in American twice as many of us are killed by suicide as are killed by homicide.

And to add to the confusion, there are varying degrees of crazy. Not every one is a eat your own shit kinda crazy or kill a bitch for the hell of it kinda crazy. I would say that type is in the minority. Although if you want to gain any type of notoriety as a crazy individual it would be best if you killed and ate a few people. I would like to think that most crazy people are the, 'I like to talk to people that ain't here' kind, or the harmless, 'I am not on drugs and I see stuff around me that other people cant see.' I've encountered a few of them in downtown Atlanta and I just walk fast and pretend not to see them all the while not taking my eyes off of them. I don't feel very secure observing them in their natural habitat. But wrapping my mind around someone being sick in the head is hard to do not only for me but for our society. We don't know what to do with them and basically put it out of our minds until we must deal with a psychotic one.
I mean there are certain normal levels of crazy that we all put up with because we have to because there are so many people that have milder levels of psychosis. Like the jealous boy/girlfriend that thinks you are always try to get with another when you even so much as look in the direction of someone of the opposite sex. They even get suspicious when you are ordering food at the drive through and the person taking your order is of the opposite sex and sounds a bit flirtatious. Crazy is that dude driving by your house at 2am or hiding in them shrubs in all black try to keep a tab on your comings and goings. For what reason? Who knows?!?! But that craziness makes sense to them and thus makes them a crazy fucker. And that dude who wants to fight because you accidentally stepped on his new S dots or because he thought you looked at him a little bit long? Crazy I say! That heffa who gets enraged in traffic because the car in front of her didn't speed up through the intersection to beat the yellow light and drives on the shoulder in traffic jams because she is entitled not to get stuck like everyone else? Crazy y'all! And we all know the jackass who likes to harass people in the service industry just because they can because they know that in theory they are always right and it makes them feel powerful. They're crazy to me. I haven't bumped into any of the 'I see dead people' types but I've encountered plenty of the previously described garden variety, mildly crazy types. And I feel that on the whole they are vastly more dangerous and are responsible for a disproportionate amount of the angst, anxiety, distrust and general bs that runs rampant in our world.

As you can see my definition of crazy may be a bit looser than the conventional one, if in fact the one most commonly stated is a true definition of crazy. I often hear it described as 'doing something over and over and expecting different results.' That understanding may be accurate but doesn't hold up for the jokers I encounter. I rarely have time to monitor the behavioral patterns of an individual in order to accurately label them crazy. I usually make a decision on a one time observation of an unusual or disturbing occurrence. And that is usually sufficient for me to determine who I should and should not spend valuable amounts of time around. This was made very clear the other day when I encountered the crazy triumvirate. It was a crazy trifecta. It was a mentally challenged triple threat. See what had happened was....

In the first inane encounter I witnessed a definite office no no, a moment of oral diarrhea, and blatant ethnic insensitivity. See I have this supervisor at work who is notorious for her outburst of hysterical laughter and spurting out the first thing that comes to her mind. Its actually fun to be around people like that and she keeps things light. But the problem is that you cant always be like that in the work place because it is offensive to some people. Not to mention that it is somewhat of a distraction to hear her outburst of in the middle of the work day in an office space that is otherwise dead silent. But she doesn't report to a whole lot of people so she can get away with it. Well this day I speak of, she was in her cube with a few other people going over some documents and I was at my desk in an adjacent cube minding my own business and wasting my own precious time, when I hear her yell out "ha haaaaaa, you look like a ninja." And the others in the rest of the cube erupted in laughter. I immediately knew what was going on because earlier in the day I had seen the only Asian fella in our department, and I noticed that he was wearing all black. At the time I remember thinking that It was odd to see someone wear black on black in the office when that attire is usually reserved for funerals or nights out on the town. But it absolutely never crossed my mind that this man of Vietnamese descent even remotely looked like an actual ninja. But my super not only thought he looked like a ninja but thought it appropriate to shout it out to everyone in the office and point and roll around in hysterics. The first thing I thought was damn that's fucked up, then I thought yeah but its actually really funny too. And the next question that came to mind was 'Is this woman crazy'? Yes I concluded.
Later that day as I made my way to my car for lunch, I opened the door to the 7th deck of the parking garage where I was met by the most pleasant, perfectly in tune musical note that I had heard in some time. I played in the band in high school and immediately recognized it as a french horn. It was loud but because I was surrounded by concrete I couldn't even begin to place the direction from which the sound had come. I waited for more music to come because it sounded exactly like the opening note from the song Unforgiven by Metallica. I thought someone may have had their car door or windows open. I looked around in vain. I heard nothing else and saw no one around. I carefully moved towards my car in confusion. Where in the hell had that noise come from. I inspected the cars as I passed them for signs of the mysterious noise and as I got closer to my car I heard it again. It wasn't the same note and not quite as crisp and clear, but it was louder and I was very close to the source. As I swiveled my head around, a man in a car, across from where mines own was parked, was holding an instrument in his lap and he was looking directly at me. The instrument was a french horn and another single note rang out. I thought to myself 'what the hell' but more importantly I kept it moving. This guy was sitting in his car in a parking garage at work, presumably on his lunch break, playing a damn french horn. Who does that? And why was he looking at me like I had the problem? And why was he not playing music or songs but just random intermittent notes as he starred down passerbys? My immediate determination, in which I place a great deal of confidence, was that this individual was most likely crazy.
The third incident this day was less conspicuous than the others but was significantly more threatening than the previous two. Sometime after lunch the 24 oz's of mountain dew that I had taken in during lunch decided that it no longer wished to reside in my bladder. I conceded to its demands and made my way to the restroom. Now I think I speak for most males when I say that time spent in the public bathroom can be somewhat trying. There is a sense of vulnerability when your most private of areas are exposed in close proximity to other males with exposed private areas doing some of the most private of acts. There is a certain level of respect and decorum that must be maintained to ensure a peaceful pee and poop environment. I rarely see a restroom with two urinals. There is usually one or three or more. This means that either you pee alone at a urinal while others wait, or two people can occupy a three urinal wall with the middle urinal hopefully observed as a buffer or dummy urinal. This urinal is to be used sparingly, and only used when it so happens that 3 individuals actually have to use the urinal at the exact same time. It is completely unethical for two individuals to be using directly adjacent urinals when 3 are available. And if you find yourself about to use the middle urinal while two individuals are busy at the flanking urinals its only appropriate that you approach slowly while making your presence very noticeable. It is not fair to rush up behind a man with his junk out or sneak up to a man with his junk out and expect things to be all good. That is NOT all good and proper protocol must be strictly adhered to. Now that we all have a basic understanding of the ground rules let me explain what had happened this day. So as I make my way to the pisser I chose the one furthest to the left of the 3. And as I cautiously unsheathe my sword another fella enters the restroom. Immediately something is wrong. Although I have my back to him I notice that his pace is uncomfortably fast and he is whistling and singing too. This is very bad etiquette. He is way to excited to be using the bathroom. The way I see it is that you should treat your visits to the bathroom sort of like a funeral. Be quiet, tread carefully, keep your eyes diverted and try to stifle your sounds as best as possible. So this man races to the urinal and to my horror he chooses the urinal right next to mine when the one to the far right is very open, available and accepting urine. He's violated one of the most widely know and universally observed rules of peeing engagement. My whole body is now tense. Although I am in mid pee streamage I want to abort my mission. Dude continues to sing and is now looking in my direction. I keep my eyes straight down. And to make matters worse he asks "how's it going". I don't remember exactly what I said but I think I muttered a 'good' but nothing could have been further from the truth. I have a hard time remembering because due to this mans bold acts of aggression, he had triggered my fight or flight response. But I was literally exposed and I could do nothing but freeze and ride it out. As I am winding down, to add angst to anxiety, dude lets a very audible one rip without so much as and excuse me or my bad or any such acknowledgement. I quickly finish, do the abbreviated weasel shake and back away as I zip and flush. I wash up and escape with out further incident. But that was one of the worst encounters I've had in all my days. The guy had to be insane.
But see I know the face of crazy. I looked directly into its eyes. And even if you've never seen it before you will recognize it when you see it. I had experience with these types at an early age. I remember an incident in the 4th grade that would change my perspective forever. I've never told this story before but I feel it necessary now to get you to fully understand my expertise. And the only ones that can attest to the truthfulness of my account were the other 9 yr. olds that beared witness that fall morning. We were all on the basketball courts on a few acre playing area at my elementary school. Lots of kids were there early when parents had to be to work before school started so a good many of us were left to our own devices. Four of us were playing a very popular game but I cant remember the name of it. I think is was called 4 corners but anywho you would draw a big square and divide it into 4 equally sized squares. You would need a bouncy ball of the kick ball variety and each person would stand in their own square. And the object of the game was to bounce the ball in the persons square next to yours in such a manner as they would not be able to bounce the ball inside the next square moving in a clockwise or counterclockwise fashion as predetermined by the participants. And the object of the game was to get everyone else out and be the last person left in the square. Well there were 3 boys and 1 girl playing the game. But the girl wasn't an ordinary girl. She was Lashonda Mays. She was just as fast and athletic as the dudes and because we were 9 she was probably just a strong. She had no hesitation in competing with the dudes and held her own most of the time. Well this morning I guess I felt it appropriate to test her manhood and I used a dirty tactic in the game to get her out and she strongly objected. Even though she sat out she verbally called me out and dared me to do it again. Basically stating that if I tried that bullshit again she was going to take care of me. Now when we started the new game everyone was curious to see if I was going to back down and heed her advise or if I would try her again to establish my dominace and prove to her that I wasn't never ever scared but risk the business end of her wrath. Well I tried her again in the exact same manner in which I had tried her before. I noted that she was now out of the game once again and once again she objected to my shady tactics. And without hesitation she made good on her threat and threw a full loaded haymaker right at my face. I wasn't at all expecting it and it made solid contact with my chin and turned my face 90 degrees from where it had been starring directly at her fist. It was like it was all in slow motion but the sound of my battered jaw bone was the first shock. And the eruption of laughter from the playground was the next. And as I stood there she stood directly in front of me waiting for a throw down. And it was in that moment that I was first exposed to the face and eyes of crazy. It was unmistakable. And I had not the will nor desire to tangle with it. I'm not sure if I ever really lived it down but time made memories fade and time healed old wounds or so I thought. About 12 years later I would come face to face with my past. I was in search of cheeseburger and fries about 2am one morning and my hunger led me to the neighborhood whataburger. I ordered my food and pulled up to the window. I gathered my fastfood dues and stuck them out my window and when that sliding glass of the establishment disclosed the attendant, all those same emotions of anxiety and shame came rushing back. Apparently I had not yet run far enough from my past. She had found me. She was Lashonda Mays. And she was back. Back for more revenge? Probably not. It looked like she had replaced wielding mean right hooks with wielding burgers but that was of no comfort to me. She took my money and closed the sliding door. I recoiled into my car in disbelief and those feelings of anxiety and shame were replaced with aggression and spite. This was my opportunity to defend the honor of 9 yr old me. She may have still looked like a man but I was much bigger. I was much stronger now and she wouldn't have a chance of defending herself adequately. I don't think she recognized me but I did her. No way I could have forgotten the face of crazy. Momentarily she returned with my food and strawberry drank. That's why I loved whataburger cuz it was the only place in town that you could get great fries with a strawberry soda on the side. But this was my moment of truth. What was I to say? What was I to do? Time was running out. She initiated the battle with a "thank you for coming." And I retaliated with a bitter "no, thank you" and gentle yank of the bag. I sped off in disgusted indignation. She kept working in blissful ignorance.
In my expert opinion I am certifiably crazy. But aren't we all just a little bit off?

What's The Story Retro UN-Glory

2006-09-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

Boy how things do change over time. Every couple of years I'm able to look back at my life with either admiration or displeasure. I often try to remember what my goals and ideals were several years ago and ponder how close I am to those dreams and if my old self would be proud of my current self. And when I finish with this periodic exercise I come up with a mixed bag. In some aspects I am right on target and way off in others. But I also have to take into account my changing value systems. Some of the things that were important to me back then have faded somewhat and my line of thinking is a bit different. I place value in things that I didn't in the past which is a function of maturity but I have to be careful not to compromise on some of those dreams just because life can be more stressful and difficult as an adult. Now that I am in my late 20's I have a full decade's worth of on my own-ness to evaluate. My sensibilities are mostly the exact same but sometimes I think back to certain points in my life and have a difficult time understanding what in the hell I was thinking.
I was reminiscing with a good friend of mines own from high school the other day about things we used to do, people we used to know and how things have changed. I realize now that even though circumstances and attitudes have changed, my motivations remain largely in tact. But that is another topic sort of. We were talking about how simple life was then and we talked about the reunion that we had last year. Good memories abounded but there were a few memories that we eventually got around to that were not so much displeasurable as they were perplexing. I do a good job of putting past mistakes behind me and not dwelling on them to where they become baggage or burdensome to my progress but in recalling the incidents of the past I started to piece together some conversations and happenings that I had almost forgot. They seemed so long ago and almost other worldly that I had a hard time reconciling my own thought processes.
Everything actually was realized during the reunion last year when I saw her for the first time in about 6 or 7 years and for only the 3rd time since we graduated. I was dating this young woman in high school who at the time I was pretty fond of. We were introduced through a mutual friend and we hit it off pretty well. We talked every night on the phone a went to a party or two on the weekend and she had even met the folks. We eventually ended up going to prom together and we things were all good. As we got hotter and heavier we started talking about "relations" and how it might be a good thing to try to "relate" better to one another. She was experienced but I wasn't. She was older than me and was mature for her age. Even though she was beautiful I wasn't intimidated by her because she was so grounded and easy going. She had no reservations whatsoever about intimacy. 'Til this day I have yet to meet someone with fewer hangups. It was an easy decision for her. And this is when my perfect memory of the events starts to trouble my current self. My 17 yr. old self was uneasy about the potential of "relations". The idea was a troubling one for me. It was something that I had thought about for years up to that point and had literally dreamed of the future occasion. There was no reason for me to be gun shy but I just couldn't pull the damn trigger. We had come close a couple of times but the deal never got sealed. She was cool about the whole thing and never put any pressure on me and made it as easy as possible for me to ponder which way I would let it sway. But as the summer came and time passed we went different ways. Time had made the decision for me and no ass was procured. My regrets were felt almost immediately.
The summer after my freshman year of college I was doing an internship in VA and I drove to Winston-Salem, NC to visit a friend from high school and I stopped through Greensboro to visit this old flame. Maybe we could pick back up from where we had left off. But if not then maybe the freshman 15 had caught up to her and would ease my suffering of the indiscretions of my past. No such luck. When I pulled up to her apartment complex she was waiting outside for me. She was more luscious than ever. Fineness personified I say. Her skin always looked like God had melted a hershey bar and used it to paint her skin on. She almost looked just as edible. We left and she drove. And after breaking bread and viewing the latest cinematic release we headed back to her place. I wasn't sure where her head was at but I was about to find out. But after brief conversation interrupted by curiously unanswered phone calls to her home phone, a knock on the door from her current male interest crushed any fantasies of exorcising the demons of my past. A year or two afterwards I heard that she had had a child. I was going back home one summer to visit after my 4th year at school and I look her up. She was happy to hear from me so I suggested we go park our feet under a table at some local food service establishment. She agreed and I looked forward to seeing her. If nothing were to happen maybe I would find some comfort in seeing that having a child had taken its toll on her physique. I would have no such luck. She was finer than I could remember. And to boot she had a different style. She looked more like a woman and she knew it. She flaunted a short heel and a pair of dark washed jeans that showed of her ass and a womanly frame that had filled out just perfectly over time. She was 5'4" and maybe 120lbs. I was awe struck and maybe drooling on myself. I don't remember much about dinner but it was pleasant. She had to get back because her mom was looking after her son. But that was the last time I saw her before the reunion.
I saw her on a friday night during the first function for the reunion weekend. We'd gathered at a eat spot and congregated on a back patio that had a bar and lots of seating for all the Rose High graduates of a decade ago. We didn't hang in the same circles back then so for a good portion of the night we never spoke but clung to the ones we were most comfortable with but exchanged a few extended glances. After a few drinks and about 2 hours of catching up and pretending to care what people were up to, I approached her when I thought that her attention wasn't occupied. Our eyes met and I don't remember what I said but the conversation was brief, awkward and probably never should have taken place. She claims that she didn't even remember the two times we saw each other since graduating. Pretty anticlimactic hunh? Yeah well that's how the cookie crumbles my friends.
But don't mistake this as a story of lost love. This is far from it. This is a story of squandered opportunity and the lessons of the paralyzing nature of overthinking and indecision. And in this instance my current self is evaluating myself retrospectively and wants to take my 17yr old self my the neck and squeeze to the brink of unconsciousness, give him a small break then continue giving him the business end of my foot to the back of his head. Id like to sit him down and explain to him that I was doing this because I loved him and then when he started to feel all warm and fuzzy like things were all good, I would chop him in the throat and verbally abuse him while he caught his breath, just for good measure.
I have a difficult time getting into the head of me back then. I can be fairly certain that things would have turned out slightly different had I been about 10 yrs older. But who's to say for sure? There aren't a whole lot of explanations for my behavior except for one thing. I think I was gay in high school. I didn't like men and maybe I wasn't full homo, but apparently I was something slightly short of full hetero too. Ok ok maybe Im being too hard on myself. But I think you all know what I am getting at, if you cant fully relate to a sequence of events that you live to fully regret. So what is your biggest regret?

Fun With Stereotypes

2006-07-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

OH HELL NAWWW, is how I responded the other day while laying on the couch and tryin to gather what it was I had just witnessed on the tube. Was I being overly sensitive? Was I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Was I looking too deep into the advertisement? Was it just an innocent coincidence that Randy Jackson loved oreos that much and the company thought he was famous enough to promote the uber popular cookie? Or was he greedy enough to take the endorsement money and buck the blatantly obvious link between his perceived persona and the derogatory term taken from the arrangement of hard baked crispy goodness flanking on both sides a creamy sweet middle of the delectable snack. Or was Nabisco sinister enough to make the unbeknowing negro a spokesperson for the cookie and simultaneously the butt or ass of an all too public joke for the enjoyment AND ponder-ance of hyper-analytical if not paranoid idiots with juvenile senses of humor and way too much time on their hands? Either way that idiot would need confirmation so I called my sister and got no support in my theories. My worst fears had been realized. I was a jackass. But I wasn't so ready to write myself off. With the two of us growing up in upper-middle class neighborhoods and the taunt of oreo being thrown our way something just shy of an infinite number of times, I thought I would have had some support. But maybe my sensitivity had overrun my good sense.

I would need the opinion of a fellow oreo after exhausting my familial resource in my only sibling. And if I were to get an opinion, I wanted the opinion of a wise old sage that would bring some clarity to the situation. And I knew exactly where to go. The only problem was that this person was alive more than 150 years ago and was a fictional character in a book. So if I couldn't reach Uncle Tom then maybe I could get at Harriet Beecher Stowe. She was probably dead so I would have to channel her. Only problem was that I was scared of weegee (to lazy to look up the correct spelling) boards. No problemo ill get Sylvia Brown or that Jonathan Edwards dude to do it for me. And while they were at it maybe they could get Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima on a four way channeling conference call.

one day later...

I thought things would have gone better. HBS had an attitude because in addition to being dead she said that "any self respecting oreo would know that Uncle Tom was an "UNCLE TOM" not an oreo." J. Ed said that Uncle Ben had some of the same sentiments for me regarding his historical status but in all fairness he "...was more of a Sambo than he would like to admit." And Aunt J stated that she was a "mammy" and actually hated oreos. I saw I was fighting a losing battle and was on my own. I was still curious about a few things though. Why are all the the old negro caricatures somebody's auntee or uncle. Why couldn't they have been moms or cousins or some shit? And as I thought about it I started to make sense of it. All I had to do was look at my own family. Cuz see my moms could cook but she never did so on a regular basis and she sure as hell didn't cater to my needs like washing or ironing my clothes. Pancakes in the morning was never a consideration. But when I went to my auntee house in the summer she used to do all that for a playa. I ant have to do shit but eat and scrape my plate afterwards. And if you ask me, she liked doin for playa. It all makes sense now.
I called Carlton Banks but he didn't have shit to contribute. I told him he should stop stealing because he obviously stole the Tom Jones "Its not unusual" dance from Courtney Cox when she was at the concert and got on stage in the Bruce Springsteen video. Vanessa Huxtable was not available for comment.
I fully expected to hear about on Tom Joyner or read about some de facto civil rights leader calling for a protest of Nabisco. But no such sentiments arose. Is no one is sympathetic to the plight of the oreo? Are we left to fend for ourselves? Am I the lone crusader out there fighting to expose the the wanton exploitation? I guess I am. Maybe I just exploited myself.

For more fun with stereotypes please navigate this site for images and explanations of racial stereotypes. http://www.ferris.edu/news/jimcrow/menu.htm

I Aint Petty Playa

2006-07-08T00:48:00.000-07:00

Ive always been a fan of introspection. I always say that people dont do it enough. I was doing a bit of that exact thing the other day and I was thinking about what my issues were as it related to wimen folk. In time people often find they have issues with the other sex as it relates to trust or commitment or selflessness or unconditional acceptance or whatever the case may be. Somehow I felt that I had avoided some of those traps. I never felt that I had or would have some of the traditional issues with a woman that I was with like a woman making more money than me or being more educated than me or being more wordly than me or anything more than me because I always thought that a woman showing me a thing or two about anything would be sexy and welcome. That was until I met a friend of my sisters the other day. This woman had it all going on for herself. She was independent, confident, classy, very educated and appeared to have it all together. She was traffic stoppingly beautiful and had the physique of an olympic athlete. And therein laid the problem. After a brief conversation I learned that this woman (lets call her Flojo) had ran track in college. Now I too had ran track in my day but it was in high school and I was terrible. She ran for a Division I University which puts her on a whole 'nother level. I learned that she had ran in the same events that I had participated in and had competed in the heptathlon one year. So that meant that she just wasnt good in one event but was an all around athlete. I was afraid to inquire about her times in the events she competed in because I feared that she would completely emasculate my times in high school and spontaneously shrivel my nads to an unrecognizable size. I was intimidated. I realized that I had a certain pride in my athletic prowess and the thought of a woman who could potentially smoke me in a foot race was too much for me to comprehend. Especially a woman who was fine and as put together as she. I realized that I had an issue. It wasnt a conventional one but an issue nonetheless. I tried to explain this to my sister and a couple others but they didnt understand. My concerns were dismissed and I was deemed an idiot. But it just showed how little women understood menzes and what was important to them in there relationships with wimenz.
Now I wasnt in a relationship with this woman but her being this phenom athlete had posed serious issues for any potential dealings in the future. I was actually glad that I had found this information out when I did before I was caught in a compromising situation without knowing she had these abnormal abilities. I was explaining to my brother in law this scenario. Here we go yo. Suppose a group of us had gathered one afternoon for a friendly co-ed game of touch football. And suppose that Flojo and I were placed on opposite teams. And suppose that I was assigned the duties of playing defense on her to keep her from catching any and every pass that should come her way. No problem right? Well it shouldnt be because Im a guy and she is a girl and there is no way that she should be able to beat me off the line of scrimmage and catch passes all willy nilly if I really decide to lock it down. And if push really came to shove then I could get a bit physical and jam her up at the line. Well that line of thinking would hold up before I knew that she was a world class sprinter. Now the ball is snapped and the play called for Flojo to run a go route. That is the wrong time to figure out that ole' girl that you are guarding is actually way faster than you and you end up getting burnt in front of the crew. Whether she catches the ball or not is immaterial. My azz just got blown up on a fly pattern and was seen flailing about as I tried to recover and save face. The only way I could potentially save face would be to pull up lame and fake and injury or pretend it was a blown coverage or some shit. But it would have been a extremely trying episode had I not know of her abilities beforehand. I mean I know her capabilities now, so I can avoid any situations that could compromise my manhood in a blatant public way. But the possibility still remains that her 40 time could get her consideration for the league.
Now I know this all may sound a bit chauvinistic and petty, but at the core, my issues are very similar to the others in that all men want to feel like the dominant party in the relationship. And if a woman is dominating in one way or another then it can intimidate a man and the relationship can suffer. Now in what area a man might be threatened by a woman will differ from man to man. Obviously an athletic woman may be my issue but for another man it may be a well educated woman or a successful career woman. Either way it takes a certain level of security and maturity and acknowledgement to be able to check your issues at the curb as not to interferer with an otherwise stable and nourishing relationship.
Women have to recognize the importance of these gender relations too though. It is well documented and constantly discussed how a man is to treat a woman but do women know what it takes to please a man? Well next time I see her Im going to challenge her to a foot race and see if she knows how to treat a man.

He's Arrived

2006-06-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

Since HIS departure from the game in '98 the association has been looking for HIS replacement. The league took a dive in its popularity since not being able to market a world reknown star and they have been starving for an individual to fill the void. They have gone through a series of rule changes and makeovers to make themselves more palatable to the public but they've always recognized that all it would take to turn things around would be that second coming. The one who they said would maybe replace him ended up not having what it takes. And after the scandal in Colorado it pull to rest all such talk. Some talked of never ever seing the likes of HIM again and I was in that group. That was until I saw game 5 of this finals series. It reminded me of why alot of people hated HIM in the midst of the overwhelming love. It was because even more so than HIM being HIM, people and especially the referees treated HIM like HIM when being HIM should have just been enough. It was the changing and bending of the rules for HIM that was so damn frustrating. So even when you had slowed HIM down from being HIMSELF, the fact that others thought so much of HIM, would alter the way they officiated the game around HIM. Ask B. Russell if you dont believe me. But the thing that is frustrating about this new anointed ONE is that because they are so eager to find the ONE, they are treating the ONE like he is HIM before the ONE has earned his way to HIS status. So in pressing the issue they compromise the contest and make you think why in the hell are we going through this exercise if we already know the outcome. So Im not sure if we have actually seen the rebirth of HIM but I have witnessed atleast an attempt to fabricate HIM. And we all know that you cant manufacture HIM. Players like HIM are not created. HIM can only be born.

Broke Boat Island (Pt. 2)

2006-04-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

As we waded through the water, it became so apparent how ridiculous this situation was. After a few trips to and from the boat we were nearly done. Only a few cases of beer remained. We left them there because we already had a few cases on shore and the coolers were full. They were full not of the essentials but full of Heineken and natty light. Well on second thought I guess we did have the essentials. Anyway my first task was damage assessment. I hadn’t lost anything overboard but after a brief inspection, I noticed that everything that was packed on the top of my seabag was pretty wet. It wasn’t soaked through but the moisture was strategic enough for me to confidently predict a miserable night because my sleeping bag and pillow were at the top along with a couple of items of clothing. But at least at the bottom all the rest of the clothes were dry. I wouldn’t change right away but after we set up camp.
First order would be to get some light. We’d brought a lantern that needed assembly. We pieced it together pretty fast but there was and issue. All we had for fire was a hand lighter. And for those of you who smoke I don’t have to tell you how difficult it is to light something in a stiff wind. And for those of you who have tried to get a lantern started, you know that you have to get the little piece of cloth lit inside the glass housing in order to ignite the lantern. Well needless to say this was a lesson in objectionable futility. But after about 1000+ lighter flicks of the thumb, pinky and index finger by each of us and 45 minutes later we finally had a light. It was good to illuminate our immediate area but because it was so dark, it blinded us to the unknown that lay just outside the boundary of the light.
So as we fumbled to open eh tent bag I found myself periodically starring out and scanning the vacant beach and towards the tree line that concealed rabid raccoons and other mischievous critters just waiting for the opportunity to take advantage of these novice outdoorsmen and invaders of their beach head. Nothing could be made out clearly thought. Note event the grasses that swayed in the wind not more than 20 feet away. And the whistle of the wind was deafening and would drown out any approaching danger no matter if it was obvious or subtle. I felt pretty vulnerable but I was with two other people that I could outrun either way so it was semi all good.
I learned that that tent was brand new and had never been put together by any of the intended occupants. So we’re trying to read the instructions by lantern and moonlight and Mother Nature wasn’t cooperating. The tent is pretty large and I estimated that it was about 15ft by 8ft and could sleep as many as 10 if necessary. But the wind was grabbing the fabric and making it very difficult to set up and read the damn paper with the instructions. We had it set up in about 30 minutes surprisingly and now we had light and shelter and things were looking up. It was now around midnight and Chris decided to turn in. The tent was spacious and I looked forward to getting in myself, but I wanted to get a fire going and maybe some food before I retired for the day. Glenn and I took the lantern and headed for the woods. We wouldn’t have a problem starting a fire if we could find some wood and kindling to get going. And little wood scraps were actually plentiful and easy to find. We stuck to the stuff that was easy to grab off the ground. We kept near each other and near the lantern. We used the light to show us what we needed and kept one eye on our menacing environment as we gathered sticks. We got more than enough for a small short fire and made a stack. We had a shovel and we dug a hole and dumped all the wood in. Glenn started the fire while I changed into some dry clothes and moments later we were sitting in fold out cloth chairs with cold ones in hand in front of a warm fire and laughing about it all. We put together a small gas grill and had a couple of hot dogs and a few slices of bacon. I hadn’t had much to eat that day but this bland incomplete excuse for a meal was welcome and well timed.
As we sat and ate the fire dimmed. I had noticed that the wind was doing a number on our tent as I considered sleep. The fiberglass poles were straining a little too much for me to be completely at ease but it had been a couple of hours since we set it up and it hadn’t moved so it was all good.
I looked up and noticed that the moon had disappeared. It had gotten noticeably darker and the stars had moved too. None of the constellations that I had observed earlier were there. Or should I say the one constellation that I had accidentally come across earlier while looking up at the sky for a sign of the God that had allowed me to get myself into this situation.
The fire was out and I was making myself comfy on the tent floor. Glenn was zipping the tent closed and I was anxious about how I would sleep. I hadn’t slept on the ground on purpose in a while and my sleeping bag was wet and my pillow was damp. I somehow managed to get to sleep within 15 or 20 minutes or so but only after I was serenaded to sleep by the dueling snorers. The day had been long and this trip would soon be over so slumber was good and deep. If I was asleep then no more shit could go awry. In the morning we would take the boat back in to drop me off and pick up the rest who planned to camp through the weekend. I had a date in Orlando the next afternoon that I was looking forward to so an unconscious state would bring me refreshment and much closer to that meeting.
I was abruptly and rudely awakened by a screaming wind and a capsizing shelter. I was paralyzed in a state of confusion and bitterness. I looked up and saw a distorted sky. After a few moments my senses were gathering and I realized that I was looking out the side window of the tent. The poles had given way and hit me on the top of my head. I really wasn’t sure where I was but I started to scramble for an escape and shouting for some assistance. I lifted the tent straight up with my arms and saw how I would get out. But my bitterness increased when I saw the other two fast asleep. My world was literally crashing down around me and these jackasses were dead sleep. I decided to keep my mouth shut and try to rectify the sitcheeashun. I unzipped what was supposed to be the tent door and saw that my side of the tent had come completely un-anchored out of the sand and had collapsed. That fiberglass pole had snapped and the rest of the anchors were being tugged at. I grabbed that side and tried to reset the tent where to where it had been. And just as I did that two more anchors gave way and the middle of the tent turned in on its self. Surely jackass one and two would realize what was going on now. Well I was wrong and I was on my own. I tried unsuccessfully to get it back together but to no avail. The wind had picked up and as soon as I would get one end secured one other would come loose. And at this point, the only thing that kept the tent from blowing away and rolling down the beach were the two asses still asleep inside the tent. I shouted “If any cares, our tent is blowing away.” I heard a muffled groan type sound and soon the two were out and about wondering what the fuck. I briefed them on the dire predicament we found ourselves in and with 30 minutes or so with the aid of some fishing line we had the tent erected again with better engineering integrity. Basically we negro-rigged it so we could get through the night. And that’s all I wanted anyway cuz in a couple of hours I was out. I just needed to make it to sun up.
Before I knew it the sun was heating up the tent to make it just uncomfortable enough to where you couldn’t sleep anymore. I tried to fight it for a whiled until I remembered that it was time to get off this forsaken island. I jumped up and noticed I was alone. I heard some stirring outside the tent and I greeted the beautiful sunshine. I stretched and walked a ways to empty my bladder. I thought it would be a good idea to crack a cold one open so that what I did. Chris was sitting by the fire pit and saw me but didn’t speak a word. I saw Glenn slowly wading back to shore from the boat. As I sipped my natty light I didn’t like the body language of the two jackasses. Glenn approached without eye contact, finding more interest in his feet or what ever he was treading on. He had bad news. The boat was broken.

To be continued…

Broke Boat Island (Pt. 1)

2006-03-22T14:48:00.000-08:00

Friday (3/2) Quitin Time: The day was ending just fine. It was Friday and we had been planning this trip for a few seeks. Glenn, my co-worker had arranged everything because he had the boat and was going to take everyone out to Anclotte island for a weekend camping trip. It was just going to be three of us Friday night including me and Glenns next door neighbor Chris. Then we were gonna go back and pick up the rest of the dozen or so folk on Saturday morning. But the next day return trip would be the end of the line for me because I had to be in Orlando for a birthday function.
So after I got off work I was to meet Glenn at the state park boat launch. I made a run to the store to pick up some beer (a staple for any outdoor activity), and some other odds and ends. I made it to the park around 6:30 or 7:00 and they were already loading the boat. Chris had already made himself comfortable upon the 18 footer which was convenient because he weighs over 450lbs and we did not need him stepping on and off the delicate sea vessel. Swimming this early into an intended camping trip would not have been a good idea for anyone involved.
We eventually started to motor from the dock sometime around 7:30 and just after sundown. I was a bit nervous about traveling out to sea at night because absolutely no one was out on the water at this time of night and should anything go wrong, we would be some assed out sumbytches because the water was still cold and people, especially negroes are extremely difficult to see in the water at night. Glenn was at the helm and was using a flashlight at varying intervals to light the way. Even though the way was clear of boats and the channel markers were evident by the moonlight, we were trying to avoid crab traps. The traps are marked by small white buoys that are obvious during the day but at night are damn near invisible and could damage the boat if you hit one. Im sure you know where this story is going. After he turned off the flashlight for a few moments we hear a startling clanging noise come from the motor. We all look back to see what may have happened and sure enough when Glenn shined the light into the water, we see a little white buoy in our wake that sounded more like it was some type of Iraqi insurgent IED. Glenn slowed the boat and proceeded slower than before. It was necessary for safety but as we planed down, the waves were able to crash harder over the bow where all the gear was and we got more sea spray on us as a result. I was still in my jeans and polo from our casual Friday work day and wasnt prepared to get all my shit wet this early in the evening. But all was well and we would soon be able to set up camp where we could build a fire and crack open a few brews.
Well the problem was that something was actually wrong with the boat. As we continued on, we noticed thawren'twerent getting the same propulsion through the water like we had been before. We were moving pretty slow and that meant more time on the water and more water on our persons and gear. Not at all a good situation this was. That trap had done something bad but we just didnt know what and how bad it was. So about an hour later (about 3 times longer than the trip should have been) we start to slowly approach the island. I am pretty much soaked in saltwater at this time and afraid that the rest of my clothes had been too. I just wanted to get off the damn boat and set up camp. But things werent going to be that easy. We had come to the channel side of the north tip of the island to try to land. But the seas had really picked up and the wind was blowing real stiff. The break waters were bad and we couldnt have gotten close enough with all the weight to prevent us from having to anchor the boat out a bit and walk or wade all our shit to shore. So Glenn came up with a brilliant idea. Chris and I would get out the boat now with our gear and got to the shore to lighten the boat. Glenn would then motor the boat around the tip of the north point and we would walk around the point and meet Glenn on the gulf side where the break waters may be lighter where we could get the boat closer and maybe save us getting real wet. OK I was down with that plan I guess. Things werenÂt going great but I am not a complainer and we just needed to get shit done. So as I hopped my ass into the freezing dark ocean water, I thought my nuts had frozen instantaneously. An ok idea had just turned really bad and my mood had changed. Glenn handed me my pack and Chris and I headed for shore. Glenn motored away and reality began to set in. We were alone on an Island, separated, at night without the proper equipment for what was happening and not sure about how to get things right. There was still a lot of guess work in our plan and things werent sitting easy for me. I had never been to this place before and it was dark as shit. The shore was covered in seaweed and the tree line of the island was way to close for comfort. We traveled inward from the shoreline past the seaweed to find a narrow strip of white sand between the weeds and the dense trees and brush. I estimate we walked a mile or more around the point of the island to where Glenn wanted us to meet him. We kept our heads down using the just barely sufficient moonlight to guide our path.
When we were near where Glenn had come, we noticed that he had stopped the boat maybe 50-75 yds from shore and wasnt coming closer. The break water was just as bad and it was going to be an ugly amphibious landing. This plan didnt work how we thought so we had to suck it up to get all the stuff to land. And after that we could get back on track. Little did I know that the night was about to get a lot longer.

To be continued.

Marooned 3

2006-03-10T14:15:00.000-08:00

SUNDAY (3/4) approx. 6:30pm: **thinkng to my self** See the problem with black people is that they don’t listen to nobody and think they know every damn thing. They don’t learn from past experiences and repeat the same shit that got them into trouble before. I mean its just certain things that we aint supposed to be doing. Like the time niggas thought white water rafting would be good idea. Moms didn’t even know how to swim and she got her ass out there on a rubber boat in the middle of nowhere purposely putting her life in danger. And we got thinking its all good and that nothing could happen. Good thing she didn’t hit her head on those rocks when we convinced her to just off that shear rock face 20ft down into the water cuz I would have just felt real terrible. But none of us should have had our asses out there in the first place. That type of activity is not for us. How many damn times they gotta tell me that? And the other time when we went and got a novice river guide who I ended up pulling out the water after navigating the raft down river about ¼ mile. It was a potential disaster avoided but that is missing the damn point. My black ass shouldn’t have been out there in the first place! You’d think that we would have quit this shit after Pops disappeared in that rapid on the Chatooga. I mean are thick skulls genetic?

So when I told people that I was going camping on an island this past Friday, I shouldn’t have been annoyed by the many WTF’s shouted at me hunh? Well history was doomed to repeat itself. This is my account. (to be continued)

J. Freakin Stew

2006-03-06T15:00:00.002-08:00

I just thought that I would say that I really love John Stewart. And why does the academy insist on inviting comedians to host the show that are gonna rip the Hollywood elite apart and talk shit to ‘em for five hours? Its great television for me but if I were one of the hollyweird, I’d get tired of it. Its like these sadistic asses enjoy the punishment. But sometimes if you cleverly talk shit about someone to their face and they are just dumb enuff to not realize it, you can take it as far as you want indefinitely. I’ll just assume that is where we stand with these people. I liked the Daily Show even before Stewart took over but he’s taken it and made it must see tv. Last night he was on his usual game. But through the jokes and smartass grins, I think I see a fellow who is truly feed up with the hypocrisy that runs rampant in the government, news media and in those pretentious fucks in SoCal. Im sorry I fell asleep during the marathon broadcast. Not because I wanted to see which unknown would win the highly coveted Best Screenplay Adaptation, (which I know all you were glued to the tv to figure out) but because I wanted to see how many ways J freakin Stew could talk shit in front of the world unabated. Of course one jack ass who likes to be called George Clooney, had to make it a point to rebut some of the accusations that Stew had launched out there. I guess he may have felt that they were aimed directly at him so he felt compelled to say something. After some bogus award, he stated that he was glad to be out of touch with mainstream America after citing a few courageous acts by the academy including the 1939 Best Supporting Award given to Hattie McDaniel in her portrayal as a mammy in Gone With the Wind. He boasted with such pride in that supposed act of progressive thinking as it relates to civil rights that if you were a complete and total idiot you may actually thought that it was representative of the pervasive attitudes of the academy at the time, and that they were champions of equal opportunity for minorities and women throughout the years. But because the rest of America is not as backwoods and ignorant as Hollywood thinks we are, we know that his statements were mired in bullshit and was nothing more than another blowhard spewing hot air from high up on his box of soap.
In all, Stewart managed to indict their character, doubt their sincerity and call into question the motivations of all that they do and stand for. And for that I applaud you J frikin Stew.

Oochie Wally

2006-03-03T14:27:00.000-08:00

As I was engaged in my ritual Friday morning get low contest, one disturbing thing occurred to me. I realized it when I was freakin my dashboard that what I was doing was lewd and social unacceptable. It made me flash back to last May during a party for my sisters graduation from med school when we were all drinking and being merry and having a good ole negroistic time. Everyone, young and old, white and black, was dancing like their lives depended on it. It was a truly unusual great time to be had by all. That night my brother-in-law saw his mother dance for the first time and my younger cousin asked me if I had a drinking problem. I told her no but she might have been on to something. Grandad made sure my cup stayed filled and the DJ was on it. My bestest nikka from college had drove down from Virgina to help with the festivities and all was good. The night was winding down and we petitioned the DJ to take to the Bottom, straight ef-el-ay (FLA) style. Luke started to blast through the speakers and lewdness proceeded. Almost as if id had been choreographed, I, ma homie and my sis’, put our hands on our knees and started to gyrate like we were epileptic. We looked like Muhammed Ali on crack with terrets in a 9.5 earthquake. People began to step back and observe. I wasn’t aware until the song was over but I had just forsaken myself and my family. It wasn’t unitl the goose had worn off that I understood but nonetheless it was so. And this understanding led me to realize that I only knew how to dance like I was fuckin something. Its crazy but its true. If im not mock humpin somebody then I really don’t feel comfortable dancing and that is terrible. I thought back and don’t really know how it got like that but it did. I don’t know how to slow dance. I cant line dance. I cant river dance. I cant break dance. I cant pop and lock. I cant rave dance. I don’t know ballet or tap or jazz or contemporary or modern. I don’t know any type of ballroom or latin dancing styles. I cant do shit else but to faux fuck. It gets me by but now im embarrassed. I remember back in 8th grade when I went to my first dance social. I was with my dudes and this girl asked me to dance. It was a slow song and I had never slow danced before. I awkwardly approached the broad and put my arms on her shoulders. I repeat. I put MY arms on HER shoulders. My dudes erupted in laughter. Every turned and looked at me and I had no idea why. She moved my arms down to her waist and was real cool about it but that was the first and last time I ever slow danced in public. And I been dickin’ the air down in public ever since.
Thinking back to the party I realized how I may have looked in front of my sister’s med school professors and fellow church goers. Im not sure that I would change a whole lot if I could go back and do it over but If I did have the chance to go back I would like to have the option of expressing myself through dance in different ways. Something has got to give.
How do you hump err dance?

Cotton Candy Sweet n Gold

2006-02-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

My ghetto ass was how you say, “ridin’ the fuck out”. And by ghetto I mean spoiled and over priviledged. But none the less I found my self in the midst of a one man booty shake contest in the front seat of my Honda on the way to work this morning. I found a new radio station down here in Tampa a few days ago in 98.7 fm. It’s a typical urban station but this morning I suppose the DJ was trying to get things extra crunk on this Friday morning and thought it appropriate to take it back and turn it out. I tuned in and they were playing that old 69 Boyz ‘Whoomp up side ya head”. I hadn’t heard that since ’95! They went on to let loose some Luke, DJ Uncle AL, and mixed it up Jam Pony style. My driving became more erratic. I was engaged in a all out, balls to the wall, juke down. I know I was lookin silly 7:30 in the morning but you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t in a club down in Miami somewhere. I was trippin though cuz I realized that while I had my hands on my knees and getting low up on my steering wheel, I was depressing and letting off my gas pedal and just really being a jackass in the middle of rush hour traffic. But I just couldn’t believe that they were that loose that early in the morning. It was one of the greatest starts to any Friday that I’ve ever had. Then people started calling in and giving the DJ props and asking where they could get a CD of all that music. So I felt better about my self, knowing that there were others in the Bay Area actin a fool in traffic.
I tell I miss that music that used to come out of Florida. What happened to 95 South and The Splack Pack and Poison Clan and DJ Magic Mike? Now all of the crunk music comes out of Atlanta or Houston somewhere but make no mistake about it. They were all influenced by the original club bangers that came out of Florida. During the reign of NY rap and before the current popularity of all things dirty south, Luke and the crew was holdin’ it down for the south.

Now on to other entertainment issues that interest me. I watch the Grammy the other night and I was pleasantly surprised. There were good performances and some great looking wimin folk. Alicia looked good and looked like she had lost a good amount a weight. Good for her cuz she was getting thicka den a biscuit and it wasn’t the hotness. But it still puzzles me how such a beautiful woman can manage to have no sex appeal what so ever. I think she might need to take some dance lessons or something cuz she doesn’t do it for me like she’s supposed to. Mariah and Christina Agriculture also looked like they were slimmer than they had been and for that I say thank you because it looks like yall done got your minds back right and ya bodies tight. And speaking of tight bodies, Madonna showed her ass literally and figuratively. She looked amazing. At first I didn’t even recognize her cuz she looked like someone in their 20’s with how fit she looked. She does her damn thang and I stand in awe. I was disappointed to not see Beyonce perform. It would have made me extremely happy to see her prance her fine ass around but I guess I ask too much. But I does make you think about how big shes become. I really do think of her as the female Jamie Foxx in certain ways. She is very versatile when it comes to entertainment with music and dance and acting and has an undeniable sex appeal. She can sing slow songs with the same effectiveness as a club song and seems so comfortable doing what she does. I don’t think that any female artist can say the same thing. Alicia and Ciara and the rest are one dimensional. Beyonce can do what they do and do it better. I didn’t used to be a huge fan of Beyonce but she commands your respect these days. I wish she had a rival. I think Amerie has that potential but is not there yet. It makes me think of Aaliyah and what she was doing before she died. I was watching her last film “Queen of the Damned” the other day, drunk and on my way to the club on mute so I had to really pay attention to the scenes. And I became engrossed and completely turned on when she gets it on with the other vampire in the pool. He’s lying there up to his chest in water and she comes up out of the water while running her hand up his torso. She comes up very slowly and brings her face to within inches of his. She then slowly goes back down and puts her mouth on his nipples. I nearly loose it right there in the truck. She then bites him and draws blood and again brings her face close to his. Her mouth is filled with blood and she toungue kisses him very seductively and the scene ends. I was blown. The scene was so freakin sexy and there wasn’t any nudity or simulated sex but it turned me on like nothing else. I had seen that movie before but never saw that scene like that. I was pissed that I had missed it before but decided that I needed to own that movie. I miss her tremendously and I get sad every time I hear one of her songs or see her in a movie. I dream of the possibilities of an R&B landscape with Aaliyah and Beyonce. It would have been awesome. Hey maybe they could have made music together or even movies. Maybe they would have hated each other or maybe they would have like each other. Or maybe even loved each other. Maybe something like an Ellen and Portia love. Ok this fantasy has gone horribly awry. But you get my drift. She was taken from us too soon.

Black & Gold

2006-02-03T13:45:00.000-08:00

Well guys this is the last time you will hear from me before my date with destiny. Everything that I am is riding on this football game. That will officially be my D-day. A seasons worth of ranting, raving, crying and elation comes down to this. My Steelers have an appointment with immortality and I pray they aren’t late. This one will be for the thumb. We got 4 superbowls in the 70’s and have been trying to get over the hump ever since. We’ve had some good teams over the years, but we just haven’t been able to giterdone. In fact we’ve had better teams than our current one and haven’t won it all. This Sunday will be their proving ground. No one expected us to be here so I'm extremely proud of our guys.
I’ve had a good sports year to date. My heels won earlier in ’05 and now my Steelers stand on the cusp. Some of you wont understand the obsession. Hell I don’t even understand it. But somehow I get wrapped up in the shit and feel personally and emotionally vested as if I were a player. I make no apologies however. This is who I am. I am a football junkie and I live with my condition every single weekend of every season. I just hope that I can report a joyous condition on Monday morning. If things don’t go well then someone is gonna have to talk me off the roof. Any volunteers?
So that’s all. I could go on to talk about how I think the game will go but its no use. Im done talking. I trust the football gods will rain blessings upon the Steeler nation. I’ve been more than an obedient and faithful servant. Peace my people and may the black and gold prevail.

Dump dilemma

2006-01-29T00:40:00.000-08:00

So many ordinary things in life we take for granted. Our health, family, and conveniences like cars and readily accessible food are all things we tend not to fully appreciate until they arent as they were. I cant exclude myself from this type of nearsightedness but even this recent oversight of mine caught me off guard.

I moved from the ATL a few weeks ago to Tampa fl for a job. It was a perfect opportunity for me and its turned out to be what I expected. But the first day I was on the job I discovered something that I knew would compromise the potential longevity of this position and even made me question the very decision to accept the job. But it was something that could not have been anticipated and the trap was unavoidable. I had walked into a horror that I've never had to face before. I was caught up in a bona fide dump dilemma that would challenge my mental fortitude. Ill explain further.

It is a small architectural company that I work for. They lease an office space that has two restrooms. One is designated females and guests. And the other is reserved for the males. Nothing was wrong with that until I started to prairie dog it one afternoon. I discreetly made my way down the hall and into the restroom where my anxiety reach new heights. The first problem was that the bathroom was located right off the breakroom. This is a major issue because there is traffic in the area for not only lunch but random breaks for coffee and drinks. So in the case of major blowup-age, the entire office would be aware of such indiscretions. The second problem was that there was an inexplicable gap of approximately 6 inches from the floor to the bottom of the door. A gap large enuff to observe any occupants of the restroom if the perverted voyeur so decided to do so. And the third and nearly deal breaking problem was that the door had no lock. A fact which completely and unacceptably puts the unwary turd distributor in an extremely compromising situation. I understood that the potential for a the devastating and life changing walk-in would always be a reality here. And not to mention on the spot firing should the walk-in occur on a day when the Mexican I had at lunch didnt exactly agree with my system that afternoon.
So as I took in my surroundings and pondered my dilemma, I resolved that it would take a new resolve from me to conquer such a hostile environment. I would have alter my patterns of colon vacating to suit my new found predicament. Certain comfort zones of "dropping off the kids at the pool" would have to be drastically altered. I just didn't know how I could do this and maintain the satisfaction of that last step of the digestion process. This was not a short term problem so long term solutions were a necessity. I decided that from now on, my sessions would have to shortened to about 3 minutes and the noise and stench had to be minimized. I faced a hell of a task. But so far I have been met with relative success. I now only proceed with the deed when holding it is no longer an option and the relay is imminent. This allows me drop anchor as soon as the ass cheeks hit the seat which goes along way towards meeting the time goal. The noise has been tackled by using techniques to control breathing and using slow but deliberate motions when is comes to clothes rearranging. Stench has been more tricky but strategic and anticipated post movement flushes damper odor to acceptable levels.
Its been a work in progress but I think im getting the hang of it. Things will never be as I desire but all I can attempt to do is minimize the level of anxiety I face. But it also begs the question. Can a man really be a man if he is not master of his shit domain? Have we all encountered this type of dump dilemma?

Bowling for Bettisthistime

2006-01-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

Another big weekend looms for me. This time the broncos stand in between my Steelers and destiny. It feels great for us to be sitting in this position. The worst scenario for the Steelers going into the playoffs was to have to beat the colts and the patriots both on the road. Well we already did one of the two and wont have to content at all with the pats. Those were two games where we would feel like legitimate underdog where only a near perfect game would give us a win. But now as we go into denver we feel like we should and will beat them. I feel we are unquestionably a better team and may be a favorite to win the superbowl. Im optimistic but I also know that the Steelers tend to play better when their backs are against the wall and no one gives them a chance. It been a great run by the Steelers in the past few years but its been tough.
Bill Cowher has been to the AFC championship 6 times in the last 12 years with one SB appearance back in 1995. In 2001 we went into the playoffs with a 13- 3 record and were favored in the AFC championship against the upstart Patriots. No one new of tom brady or billy bellichick but they were resilient. They put pressure on Steeler qb Kordell Stewart and forced him into turnovers and they returned 2 kicks for touchdowns. It was a devastating upset. The pats would go on to win their first of 3 superbowls that year and start a reign of terror on the NFL. So in retrospect it would make the upset more understandable but not any less hurtful. And that would not be the last time a patriot team would crush the hopes of the Steelers. Around this time even though they had a very good defense overall, they had been exposed for having a very suspect secondary. And from then on every team with any type of passing game would give them fits. So the Steelers started to look for secondary personnel in the draft and on the free agent market with little success. That is until they drafted Troy Polamalu 3 years ago. He was a speedy, very active db out of southern cal and a teammate and roommate of Carson Palmer, qb with the bung-holes **err** bengals. His first year was questionable but now hes arguably the best safety in football and potentially leading the Steelers to a superbowl.
Last year was a ruff one. Once again the steelers are in an AFC championship and on their own turf and once again the patriots stand between them and the big bowl. And once again our hearts were broken. This time we faced a team that was seasoned, confident and better than us. We had a rookie qb in Big Ben and a few injuries. Even though we had went an awesome 15-1 in the regular season and actually beat the pats around week 4 or 5, we were not thought of as the favorite. After the game in an interview with WR Heinz Ward we saw a dejected, disappointed man with tears steaming down his face. His emotions couldnÂt be contained. We had just lost another AFC championship to the very same patriot team on our home field when things were in our favor. But most frightening of all was the possibility of Jerome Bettis retiring without a superbowl ring. Heinz expressed how much he wanted to win that one for ÂThe BusÂ and how he felt that the team had let him down. He pleaded Jerome to stay for one more year. One more go Âround for the black and gold to try and bring a trophy home for the Pittsburgh fans and of course Jerome Bettis.
Bettis decided to stay for one more year. He relished the opportunity to win a superbowl in his final year in his hometown of Detroit. The road would be difficult but with Big Ben a year wiser and feeling like they really had the best team a year ago made the possibililties so real. All of it almost came crashing down last week when all the Steelers had to do was kneel on the ball and run the clock out and Jerome lost a fumble right near the goal line with about a minute left in the game against the colts. It was a game that they dominated from start to finish but it looked like an untimely fumble might bring the whole dream and the whole impetus for Jerome coming back to the team, crashing to the ground. He would need a miracle for the Colts not to at least get into field goal range for 3 pts to tie the game. Well the stars seemed to align that day cuz the most accurate kicker in the NFL missed a field goal for the colts and the Steelers would advance.
So now it brings us to this week. The Steelers are focused and tired of being close. They want a championship and they want it now. There is no next year for Bettis and some key players are starting to get old. I feel like its our time people. I feel like fate is on our side this time. No one gave us a shot and now were here.
If you cant get with the Steelers you have no soul. This story is the stuff movies and legends are made of. We are playing for history. We are playing for a great tenured coach who need a championship for validation and an aging superstar who makes the game respectable. You could not root for a better individual and I cant think of a single player in the playoffs who deserves it more. Ill be watch with my heart in my throat and my terrible towel in hand. This is it guys. This stuff makes life worth living.

Urban's Legend

2006-01-16T14:19:00.000-08:00

Florida schools have dominated the college football landscape for the past 20 or so years with 8 national titles since the early 80’s. Some how they manage to produce a very disproportionate number of skill players and in recent years have filled the rosters of many a NCAA div. I team. A trend that started over a decade ago when Nebraska sent scouts down to Tallahassee in the mid 90’s to observe how FSU kept so much speed on their dominating defenses. Nebraska won a championship soon thereafter and teams like NC state and Louisville have been looting players from here ever since.
The recruiting nationwide is intense but the recruiting right here in the state has been ferocious. Miami has usually won out when it comes to recruiting and it has the championships to prove it. Fla. St. has recruited second in the state and has two titles to its credit. But when it comes to my beloved Gators the recruiting gods haven’t been as kind. Don’t get me wrong, UF has always had top recruits with one national title and many SEC championships to show for it, but at best they’ve recruited 3rd in the state. Most experts say that recruiting is the single most important factor in having a consistently good program. And it so important because success = money and money goes a long way towards advancing the interest of your university. In 2005, there were 5 programs in NCAA div I football that netted more than 75 million dollars in revenue for their respective universities. Ohio State led the way with over 90 million and others in the top 5 included UF and Wisconsin.
But I sense the tide of power turning here in Florida in the favor of the Gators. With the ‘Noles and “The U”’s programs’ in disarray, I feel like its primetime for Urban and the boys to take over as the states premier program. They have already secured the nations #1 recruiting class for the ’06 season, and have a lot of good returning players for next year. But most importantly, they have established themselves as the place to be in the state and have gained the confidence of young players nationwide. That being evident as they have recruited the nations #1 WR out of Virginia. Urban Meyer has proven himself as a coach, and as a young man, he has brought a lot of energy and hope for the future. Things are looking up in Gator land and I like what I see. I love the smell of SEC championships on the horizon. Smells like victory.

Unitelligible inequities

2006-01-14T21:35:00.000-08:00

Im not sure how many others have posted drunk but I thought I would try it. Patrron is a sneak little bitch and is worthy of my disgust. When a bitch gets a little more loot he tries the boundaries of his pockets and upgrades from Jose Cuervo. A lesson I should have learned from the past is that no matter how many rounds you go with the agave plant it will never end in your favor. Some negroes never learn.

I was surfing earlier and found out that Xquizzit had retired from the game. I was disappointed and will miss miss X but it begged the question. How do bloggers decided to call it quits? Its a relatively new phenomenon blogging is, so many precedents are still being set. But ive seen a few fall by the wayside in recent times. The most outstanding in my mind was diggs. I loved that girl and wish her the best. Most know about the shit she went through being displaced from the N.O after Katrina so obvious circumstances pushed her out. And ive also seen B. Code declare death more than once only to be resurrected miraculously. So apparently its a hard thing to do. Lindsay-lee fell off and Jia might be on a little break too. But how do you decide to quit logging your life and your thoughts? Why do people start in the first place and what set of incidents require your retirement? Ive been doing this very infrequently for a year dont see an end in sight. And if only superficially I feel like ive grown to know a few of yall to varying degrees. Its been an eye opening experience.

My STEELERS play tomorrow and im crunk den a sumbitch. This is the type of shit I live for. It may be foreign to some of yall but this is what gets my blood pumping. Playoffs in anysport are the fundamental building blocks of life and require my full attention. But when I feel personally vested in the venture then the stakes are uppppppped infinitely. And to be perfectly honest, I been selling out to all who will listen about my STEELERS beat the living shit out of the colts. I know I posted about feeling Dungy's pain but I may have posted that post prematurely. Right now, on game days eve, I couldnt care any less about those fuckers. I just assume that Joey Porter and Troy Palomalu dislocate Peyton Mannings and Edge James' spine and the rest of the colts from their collective heads. I taste blood. And i sense fear. The colts have been know to choke in the playoffs and I dont see why this year is supposed to be any different. FUCK 'EM.

I been anticipating the release of this wethevoices shit too. Panama got this shit goin again so imma be keepin my eye on it to what he talking bout. I still need to figure out who he's got involved in this thang. I know vag is on it and I can get down with her for sure but I'on know 'bout err body else. Ill have to see.

Doesnt seem like there is alot to regret tomorrow in this post. We'll holla. OUT

Dammitt Dungy!

2005-12-25T22:21:00.000-08:00

My football season has officially come to an end. Its always tough to see the dream of your team being triumphant in victory crushed and destroyed. Usually that happens when a key player gets hurt or they lose a game in a single elimination playoff, but this year my season(only as a fan of course)ended prematurely under the most unusual of circumstances. By now we all know by now that James Dungy, the son of the Colts head coach Tony Dungy, died mid last week. It sucks to see something that terrible happen to such an outstanding individual such as Tony Dungy. Its safe to say that he is by far the most beloved and respected coache in the NFL. All of his players have nothing but great things to say about him so it breaks your heart to know he has to go through all of this at such a terrible time to have to deal with such a tragedy with its proximity to Christmas and the playoffs. If I werent such a passionate Steeler fan I would surely lean towards rooting for the Colts. But since I am such a lover of Cowher and the "Black n' Gold" I dont give two shits about a colt or anyone else for that matter. But how on earth can you not cheer for this kinda guy after the things that he's been through, and how could you take pleasure in another team beating them in the playoffs? Therefore, my football season has ended prematurely. I dont see myself being able to bask in the full glory of a super bowl champion Steeler team in the wake of current events. And if you cant enjoy and gloat in a team's victory like you're supposed to, then why cheer at all. Im conflicted and its all Dungy fault. Damn him and may God bless him and his family through this period. I hope he finds peace of mind because I sure wont.

On a lighter more optimistic note, last week the Gators signed the nations #1 QB recruit out of Nease high school in St. Augustine, Fl. He threw for an ass load of touchdowns this season and ran for just as many. He led his team to the 4A state championship and is said to be one of the best QB's ever to come out of the state of FL. Thats saying alot seeing as how we've seen Charlie Ward, Thad Busby, Peter Warrick, Adrian McPherson, Dante Culpepper and a host of other show their stuff in the sunshine state as quaterbacks. He should be a perfect fit for Urban Meyer's spread offense. Yall keep your eyes open for Tim Tebow. Whoooooa Nelly he's gonna be a good one! OUT

Public Indecency

2005-11-28T23:35:00.000-08:00

Bear with me as I vent a bit, but Steelers, what in the name of Mary, Margaret and baby Jesus was that? I mean if you didn't want to play you could have phoned it in and saved us all the embarrassment. Or was it your intention to get publicly ass-raped on national television in front of millions of onlookers. Yeah it was the Colts but shit yall played like it was a foregone conclusion that you would get bent over and taken advantage of. Yall are my boys but I hate to see you go out like that. This team was beatable but you wouldn't have know it by the way yall approached the game. So lets just take it easy for a little while, take some deep breaths and lay on your stomachs for the time being as to not exacerbate the problem. And we'll go over the things we did wrong and try to game plan for next week. The Bung-holes from Cincinnati are coming up next week and we cant afford to give it up to them too.
NOW FIRST off, why in the hell are we leaving a novice cornerback out there by himself with no safety help on Marvin Harrison. And since when did that dude start starting at left corner anyway. This bitch played receiver in college and this is his first year of starting as a defensive back. Im confused, so Mr. Lebeau please explain to me how this was a good idea. I guess it took Mr. Harrison running free in your secondary for an 80yd touchdown to realize the un-wiseness of that decision. Ok fine you live and you learn. To bad you couldn't have asked any football watching halfwit about it. Could have saved yourself some face.
SECONDLY, when oh when Mr. Cowher will you allow your football teams to play to win instead of playing not to lose. Ive been a loyal Steeler fan for many upon many years and for this Christmas I would like to have a coach for my favorite team that isn't afraid to open up his offense and show off a little bit. We drafted a big strong armed QB who makes great decisions. Lets turn him loose a bit and see what he can do. Its like buying an ignorantly speedy sports car and using it to run errands and dropping the kids off at school and shit. Naw dude we gotta open this bitch up. We need to see what it can do. We had a chance to take the lead in the first half as we drove deep into colt territory, and we proceed to call two run plays and a WR screen. Oh how that lacks creativity and balls. We should have just packed it all up then cuz they knew after that series that we had not come to win. I dare say that Cowher is becoming the Phil Fulmer of the NFL. A good coach with good players but too conservative to let your players and play and ultimately unable to win the big games. It pains me to say something like that **getting all choked up** but this is how I feel right now. I may regret it in the morning **still emotional and veclemfed** but I need to get this off my chest so I can sleep well. My Knicks and my Tarheels aint gonna do shit this year so I got everything riding on my Steelers, and at this rate yall aint doin it right enough to giterdone. Now lets tighten up our chin straps and make sure your cups are fittin snug cuz we still got lots off ass to insert our feets up in. We down but we aint out. LETS GO GUYS!!! Huddle up and lets get a fuck dem Bengals on 3! One,two,three FUCK DEM BENGALS!!!
OUT

**I apologize for the excessive references to rectal rearranging and the compromising of many a colon contained in this post**

Le Cage Aux Negraux

2005-11-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

1968 Olypics Mexico City, Mexico!

I know why the caged Negro sings.

Have we lost our way? Do we even know in which direction we tread? The journey of the American Negro via the civil rights movement out of Egypt land, that was the Jim Crow South, led us directly into the quagmired desert of incohesion, indecison, apathy and inward aggression. Our promise land appears to have only been a mirage that only suckered us into thinking that we had arrived. That illusion only to be exacerbated by the success of the professional athlete and musician. Where did Moses go? What happened to our commandments that would guide us as a people? Or has the bling blingdedness of the golden calf blinded us to their existance, leaving us to rely on a constitution of moral relativism, personal entitlement and ethical permissiveness. Our plight has been complicated and quite unique in the history of the world. Or has it been so unique?

Today makes two incessant weeks of rioting in France and surrounding Europe. I have yet to hear a precise description of the cause of the civil unrest but some of the circumstances sound eerily familiar. African immigrants are transplanted into an Anglo society and meet injustice, discrination and overt racism. They are relagated to the outskirts of society and linger as outkasts on the fringes of the mainstream with their crowded communities ignored and drowning in unemployment and rife with poverty without the slightest glimmer of hope. Despair sets in and the logical solution to these social ills is to tear up shit. Welcome to 21st century Paris.

Not a whole lot is different is seems. Gotta admire the spunk of these youngsters. Makes me a bit jealous to be honest. Im mean us black folk in America used to have the disturbing the peace market cornered and on lock down. Are we losing our identity? What happened to OUR spirit of revolt? Im mean first Hispanics take us over as the largest minority group here in America, then we see white wimenz parading phat asses all over town making the black male population even more confused than we already were and now Jean Pierre and his kin folk are staging riots that make our American grown meles look like nothing more than a rowdy club let out. They been rioting for a fortnight with over 3000 cars burned and countless other individuals inconvenienced. Those are statistics that would make Rodney King so proud. These Frenchys have sparked other protest around Europe and have been shown love with copycat riots in Belgium. Imitation is the fondest form isnt it? But where did our energy for revolutionary change go? BLACK PEOPLE WE NEED TO STEP OUR RIOT GAME UP!

But not necessarily the type accompanied by looting and conflagrations. I speak of an uprising of the spirit. What else are we to get excited about outside of Hip-Hop? Sure the Hip-Hop culture represents several things that are positive and redeeming to the community but isnt there something inherently flawed about a culture that is centered around entertainment and blatant materialism. I say lets do more to nuture a culture of continued education, service to the less forturnate and fiscal responsibility. If there was a lesson to be learned this year, it is to be learned in the wake of Katrina that self-sufficiency is something to be strived for more eagerly because the government aint gonna do shit. What do we want our generations legacy to be? I hope it wont be 'the generation that dropped the baton that was passed to us from the civil rights generation.' Lets us once again show the world how we riot. Frenchy aint got nothing on us.

Pre-Pube Continued

2005-10-29T02:13:00.000-07:00

For the ignent and knowledge impaired, this post is a continuation from a previous post.

...when I got the prime opportunity to showcase my skills. The powers that be coordinated a Karate exhibition and instructional session for my after school program. I was geeked at the very thought of being able to show off all the moves I had perfected at home on my sister. I mean I had see hella episodes of Kung-fu theater and all the latest ninja flicks so I thought I had to be at least half way to being a black belt for sure. Well my enthusiasm at the exhibition so impressed the instructor that he chose me and three other kids to train personally during the after school program hours. In the following few weeks I would learn a lot and my confidence grew. And one afternoon after practice my big shot came. While all the kids were waiting for their rides home, a fifth grade white girl started talking shit to me. I was amused but she was more amused at my bleach white highwater pants and matching robe that I secured with a matching white belt that she called my kung-fu suit. She questioned the things that I was learning in my "kung-fu" class and wanted to see. Little did she know that I considered my get up a an "ass-kicking" suit and I was more than obliged to show her exactly what I had been learning. I fully intended to launch a few swift harmless front kicks in her general vicinity but that plan quickly went awry. She caught my first kick with her hands and lit up like a Christmas tree. I had given her the gift of my foot, extended leg and exposed crotch and she fully intended to exploit my compromised position. She paraded me around the area in front of all the laughing kids who were witnessing this most unfortunate turn of events, with me in tow hoping around on my right foot. She stopped momentarily to taunt me some more and to ask if I planned on kicking her anymore. My answer to the question would directly determine if I would continue to suffer the embarrassment of having my lethal front kick being caught and rendered impotent by a fifth grade albeit older white girl. I saw this as an opportunity to pull off a move that I had seen executed only in the cinema. I hadn't learned this one yet in class but I had all the reason to believe that it was doable. I planed to jump off my right foot and use it to kick ole girl in the head, but do it in a circular fashion as to use the same right foot to land on, on the other side of my body. And hopefully the kick to the jaw area would persuade her to let go of my left foot. If I missed, she would still have my left foot and now my ass would be facing her. And I assumed that she would allow my left ankle to freely rotate in her hand therefore preventing a severe sprain. I had seen it done so easily in the movie and I saw myself executing it so beautifully in my head. It had to work. All eyes were one me. I made the decision to try it in a split second and the worst possible outcome cameout. I jumped and missed her by a mile and didn't jump hard enough to rotate my body to where my free leg could break my fall. She never even considered letting my leg go and I fell nearly flat on my back with the whole school bearing witness. It was a disaster. I lay on the cement with tears streaming down and everybody looking at one another searching for answers as to 'What in the fuck did he just attempt to do?' Of course they didn't share in my convoluted visions of martial arts grandeur so how could I expect them to understand. Needless to say I took an L that day.
As time went on, I continued to train weekly. My thirst for all things martial was insatiable. After a period of time I was the only one being trained in the after school program and I was a prize pupil. So now it was time to pick up some of the shattered pieces. My instructor informed me of a tournament that was taking place in Jacksonville, FL in a few weeks that he wanted me to attend. I was excited and saw this a great opportunity show my shit once again. This time I would have time to prepare. We arrived in J-ville one Saturday morning and the tournament was being held in a gym of a local community college. There were people everywhere, yound and old. There were two types of competitions going on that day. One was for your prepared Kata and the other was for sparring. Sparring is self explanatory but a Kata is a set or combinations of positions and movements done as an exercise that mimics an individual fighting several foes at one time. Its not very practical and is more for show but they are taken very seriously. I had come only prepared to perform my Kata but after that went off very poorly I had discovered larger aspirations. I noticed that the kids there that were my age seemed to telepathically begging me to put my foot up their ass. Even though I had not sparred a day in my life and knew nothing of etiquette and strategy, I was the supreme shit and I had seen the Karate Kid and all Daniel-san had to know how to do was wax on and wax off. And I surely could do that. So after I, dad and coach begged and convinced mom to allow me to enter the sparring tournament, I knew that my time had come. This would be the culmination of my hard work, hours of film study and endured embarrassment.
I first stepped into the circle with another white belt. But I was was bigger and I feared nothing. I bowed to the referee in respect. I bowed to my opponent in slightly less respect. We were instructed to "FIGHT"! The fight was over in a matter of seconds. I'd caught him in the stomach with a straight left. He doubled over in agony. His mother come out of the stands to pick him up off the mat. I thought he was pitiful. My self-admiration soared. Id advanced to the next round.
The next two rounds went similarly. I would attack with wreckless abandon and my adversary would be shocked and awed into submission with my martial blitzkrieg. All was well so I thought. In the final round for the sparring championship I would be tested. I had kept an eye on this fellow I was to go toe to toe with for the entire tourney. He was a blue belt and has way more skill than I. He was slightly smaller but was lightning quick. He had shown no apprehension in his bouts so Im not sure that I intimidated him at all. It would be a showdown for the ages. I stepped into the circle. I bowed to the referee in respect. I bowed to my nemesis with much more respect. We were ordered to "FIGHT"! The fight was over in just a matter of seconds. I was caught with a round-house kick to the stomach. I doubled over in agony. I never saw it coming. That bitch kicked hard. I wanted to call my mom out of the stands to come pick me up off the mat. My confidence was broken. I stumbled to my feet to fight again but things wouldn't be as I had hoped. He had gotten into my head. The match ended and he was declared the winner.
I walked away that day with a second place trophy. I was huge too. It stood nearly three feet. Almost as big as me. Even though I had come up short and my story didn't end like those of the Karate Kid or Bruce Leroy's, I had learned some valuable lessons. I had pushed the limits of what I thought was possible and came out of it exceeding what was thought to be feasible. This was my crowning achievement and glory. I was lauded in the halls of my elementary school. I was untouchable. And to this day, when I recall the highlights of my life, this sequence of events stands out as the one that I am most proud of. Kudos to me yall. I kicked much ass.

Test Results

2005-10-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(70% permissive)

and an...
Economic Moderate
(43% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Democrat

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Blanco Tango

2005-10-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

A few years ago in college, after a night of gratuitous drinking and mindless clubbin', my roommate and I found ourselves immersed in a thought exercise that would test the boundaries of human intellect. I had engaged him with some typical post-club chatter on the ride home when I seemed to touch on an issue that we both had some interest in discussing. And this discussion eventually became a session to identify the cause of one of the most puzzling phenomenons of the modern age. A question to which there had never been a satisfactory, concrete answer. We'd explored all of the know hypotheses and formulated a theory of our own that we tested and proved over the next couple of weeks. That question my friends is the question of the rhythmless white man. That's right! The question is, why cant white people dance?
Throughout the history of inter-racial relations, blacks and whites alike have always pondered the glaring disparity between the ability of some to effortlessly move their bodies to music and others who fail so miserably to do so. Generally blacks look at whites with pity and amusement and whites look at blacks with adoration, congratulations, and sometimes envious contempt. But I contend that all strained race relations start with a basic misunderstanding of one another. We all look to point fingers, but a healthy debate starts only with honest introspection. However, through the hundreds of years of our co-habitation in this new world, this rhythm debate had never been seriously considered by scholars. Its only been the topic of watercooler gatherings and fireside chats. So now I say let the misunderstandings cease. I have successfully indentified the root of the problem with our cadencely challenged Caucasian counterparts. I will spare you the details and methods of our research, but the problem is...***(drumrolls, eye widening, suspended breathing and heightened anticipation)***...THAT WHITE PEOPLE ARE DANCING TO THE WORDS AND NOT THE BEAT! Now before you dismiss this just think about it. And more importantly, observe them in their natural habitat and remember that this conclusion was reached only after careful analyztion, thorough deliberation and extensive research including observations and candid interviews. And after this close study of the dance habits of the two races, it led me personally to re-examine the unchallenged presupposition that blacks were better dancers than whites. If you do consider that they are actually dancing to the words of a song, which I say is infinitely more difficult to do, and they are doing so effectively, then there is an argument to be made that they are actually BETTER dancers than blacks are. This type of word dancing smiles in the face of convention. Its revolutionary, but listening to a completely different part of the music to guide your movements explains the seemingly spastic gyrations. And why would we expect anything different really? I mean we do so many things in completely opposite ways, why should this be any different? That is not to say that one way is definitively better than the other, but they are just different. I know this is a controversial theory which is nearly impossible to substantiate and would require and extensive collaborative study. But we have to ask ourselves if this is a cause worthy of the research. And I think deep down we can say with great confidence that the answer to that question is a resounding yes!

I would love to hear reactions, comments or opposing theories.
And I've yet to find and publications willing to accept my research.

Pre-Pube Hustle

2005-09-22T03:12:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was talking to a girlfriend of mine. We were having a discussion about her life that prompted me to think deeply about some of the events of my own life in the middle of our conversation. She was talking very fondly of her son and you could hear the pride and joy in her voice. I was a bit jealous, not because I wanted her to speak of me in such a fond way, but because I was thinking that I wished I had something to speak of in my life that made me glow in a way that my delight radiated through telephone and was detectable by all. It forced me to ponder my accomplishments and achievements in search of single event that created and internal excitement such as hers. Now as a young man, it seemed to me to be a bit premature to look back and analyze my short career which consists of next to no great accolades, but it was worth a shot. And as I thought I came up with an event that had nearly escaped my memory. It was a triumph that I had once held in such high esteem but had somehow faded in my mind. My search had been a success but the near oversight by the collection of many years past made me uneasy. How could I have forgotten such a feat? Let me recount my story.

I don't exactly how I became so enthralled with martial arts, but during this period in my immature life I was consumed. I was in the third grade around 1985 or '86 and it was primetime ass-kickin season. The 'Karate Kid' had come out the previous year and Mr. Miyagi had millions of little Daniel-sans runnin around thinking that they could just wax on/wax off any bitch that came their way. I was no exception. Ralph Machio's geeky ass had me thinking that I too could turn my hands and feet into lethal weapons if could just train hard enuff to where I could become the Shogun of Sealey elementary. And that leads me into the second and last great influence of my disillusioned childhood which was a movie that came out this same year called 'The Last Dragon'. This movie was a must see for me from the first advertisement that I saw. I begged pops to take me to the movie and he did. He was apprehensive at first because it was PG-13 if I recall correctly and I wasn't allowed to see anything rated higher than PG. But luckily for me there was a little something in the movie for him who went by the name of Vanity that sealed the deal for my two hour date with destiny. To say that the movie was inspirational would be to cheapen the experience. I had seen this shy, unconfident teenager take on Shonuff the Shogun of Harlem and all his henchmen and whoop some big city ass. And just when I thought all hope had been lost and Bruce Leroy's fate had been doomed, this nigga catches a speeding damn bullet with his gahtdayum teeth. Then some music starts play and the shit is in slow motion and then this negro starts to glow gold and shit. My little ass was high. I had never seen such brilliant cinematography. Now of course that's not what I was thinking at the time but I was mesmerized. I then knew that Leroy was me. If he could fuck up all of Harlem then certainly Tallahassee was doable for me right?
I came out of the movie with a whole new mindset. Though I probably wasn't 5 feet yet, I felt like I was 7 feet tall. And some short time later I had on opportunity to test my new found bravado. I had gotten myself into some shit at home and Dad told me to go get the belt. I wasn't in the mood for no beatin' right then so I told him no. Now for those of you who are reading this and know my dad, you know how foolish a statement that "no" comment was. For those of you who don't know, my dad stands about 6'3" and weighs in at well over 300lbs. So after he is taken aback by my unexpected counter-aggression he approaches me. I immediately recognize the narrowing gap of personal safety, take my most ferocious horse stance and let out a loud KEY-AHHHH!!! Now its very a very common belief in the kung-fu community that by letting out loud screams during combat not only intimidates your opponents, but also helps to release your inner chi which translates into more power and therefore more efficient ass-kickery. However, this effort was only enuff to get Dad to momentarily pause in his advance before he snatched me up by one leg, hold me upside down and proceed to beat my ass with no belt. It was embarrassing to catch a bad one in front of your mama and your sister, but once again, this was a personal victory for me. I had squared off against my dad and lived to tell about it. I was not only 7ft tall now, but I had nuts that would make a rhino green with envy.

This sequence of events would guide me down a path of new found confidence that led to a life highlight that has kept me grinin' to this day. Bruce Leroy and Daniel-san had successfully set me up for my crowning achievement. But for the sake of reasonably brief posts, ill have to finish the rest at a later date.

To be continued...

Down Whoa

2005-08-30T01:44:00.000-07:00

In a greatly appreciated attempt to hook a brother up with a blind date, a friend of mine gave me the phone number of her co-worker that she thought I should meet for no other reason than the fact that we were both single and relatively decent people. That was more than good enough for me so I called her a few days later and the conversation started off great. We discovered we shared some of the same interests but before we could get much further the conversation took an unexpected turn. The discussion became almost uncomfortably grave when this pleasant woman interrupted the normal scheduled program to pose a series of queries for yours truly that she called her "millennium questions". This interrogation lasted for a small while and was varied in its scope, but my candid and concise answers made things easier and more settling for her. But in summary these "millennium questions" sought to reveal a few things about me and my status as a date-able candidate. All the questions about my current relationship/marital status, babies and baby mammas were understood. But I thought the questions like, "Are you gay", "Have you ever been gay", "Are you bisexual", "Have you ever been bisexual, "Have you ever slept with a man", "Has a man ever slept with you", "Have you ever thought about or come close to being with a man", were a bit over the top. And It was after this incident and a few more pre dating experiences that covered the very same concerns, and some discussions with a paranoid, downlowphobic female roommate, that I realized that I was caught up in an epidemic of "DL" fear that had swept the nation. I had been the victim of a syndrome that I labeled "Dee-elius nervosa". And I wasn't so sure that hysteria was warranted. These are my thoughts.
Now let me say that I do recognize the fact that there are black men sleeping with other black men who get girlfriends and wives and pose as straight dudes who only love women. But I get confused when we somehow determined that this had reached some critical, extinction level stage and was exclusively a negro situation. And me being the pop culture carnivor that I am, can point to only one source of the madness, and that is the book by J.L. King called On the Down Low, and his appearance on Oprah that set this thing off. Now I didn't read the book but I did see the show. And looking back at it, he said several disturbing things that didn't sit well with me and made ma a bit skeptical.
He said that "DL" brothas were nation wide and could be found in every nook and crany of society including churches, church pulpits, clubs, bars, work places, grocery stores, malls, restaurants and even your own family. He stated that they were very good at concealing their true identities and had no intentions of ever being forthcoming. He stated that it is nearly impossible to tell who they were but only other "DL" brothas had that ability to seek each other out. He even implied that he could make some eye contact with dudes right there at the Oprah show and know immediately if there was that vibe. He claimed that he was on the show to help women to not get caught up in these "DL" relationships but it seem to me that the only thing he was successful in doing was to spread panic. I mean what is a woman to take from those statements. All we found out was that there was an indeterminate number of males concealing there sexual identities. This is something we already knew. So why is this a pressing new issue that became Oprah worthy after this guy writes a book about his life on the "DL"? Does he have a potential agenda? Sure he does, he is trying to sell books to make money. Does his agenda constitute a national emergency? Hell no it does not.
Now if I were a woman I would definitely pay attention to the things J.L. King had to say because its always better to err on the side of caution. But given the circumstances and facts surrounding them I think that we may have over reacted. Every other day I hear my roommate tell me or tell a friend that she has met this dude who was nice and knew how to cook and treat a lady. But he was too nice and knew how to cook too well so that was enough to put him in the suspect category. Or she would say that the way he walked or held his fork at dinner made her think that he was too extra for her. I swear its the 2000 version of the witch trials. Dudes cant be anything less than a thug without the fear of being labeled suspect. So Im officially saying that this "DL" phenomenon is potentially as real as the Lochness monster, the Yeti and Bigfoot. These dudes are ever elusive and the facts of there whereabouts are fuzzy at best. All I want is the ladies to be slower to put everybody on the "DL". And to know that your gaydar is way off when 90% of dudes are coming up suspect. Its ruining your chances with a decent dudes and making relationships more strained than they need to be. Use your intuition, but lets be reasonable as well. Its only prudent.

Gridiron Glee

2005-08-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

The time is upon us. We've endured the hot sports desert that is the summer and made it to that oasis of the fall. All the speculation will pause if only momentarily in anticipation for that first whistle. The off season was a human arms race. These weekly battles are representations of schools, states, families, regions and conferences. The stakes cannot be understated. All the blood, sweat, tears, time, money, resources, planning, hype, conversation, and effort are worth the few moments of glory and bragging rights that are earned from victory. It holds the dreams and the passions of men and its conformity mold our character. We envision ourselves in these gladiators and trust our cheers and heartfelt desires to prevail are somehow translated into their inspiration and strength to press on in the turf battle. First downs are gained and lie just out of reach. Lines of scrimmage are controlled and acquiesced. Hail marys are tossed and blocking schemes are blown up. It is the fabric of our society. No game represents who we are any more closely than this. It is what relationships are built on. It is how we find our confidence. It is the way we test our mettle. It is the ultimate display of sacrifice. And in it we show our discipline, integrity, and guts. There are few better ways to show what you can become. There is no room for individuality for the team machine only runs on selflessness and cooperation. Its football season people. Once again I live.

Red-ass Revisited

2005-07-31T22:01:00.000-07:00

Let me set the scene for you. It was the summer of 1991 in a small town east of Tampa called Bartow. Things were slow but they usually were when i went to visit my family down there when school was out. The august sun had it hot denasumbitch but it was about to get hotter. I had snuck back into my uncles bed room at around 9pm to watch his tv cause they was watchin some bullshit on tv in the front room. I had been anticipating this for a week now and it was all about to happen for me. So I popped open my strawberry check soda, cozyed up on the bed and fixed my eyes upon the screen in giddy anticipation. It was the weekly installment of the WWF in primetime and the main event was to feature my favorite wrestler the Ultimate Warrior versus it didnt matter for the intercontinental championship belt. The tension was thick. I was semi-aroused and lookin for some bodies to be slammed and some tights wearin' hillbillies to get choked out. I was geeked but I to had wait for the goods after all the preliminary bouts with all the losers with regular names and Steve Urkel bodies to get embarrased by the heavy hitters with cool names and shredded physiques like Brutus the Barber Beefcake, Hacksaw Jim Duncan, and Jake "The Snake" Roberts all the while having shit talked about 'em by Mean Jean Oakerlund. It was pure bliss and well worth the wait. And finally my time came. The match was all that I had imagined. The Ultimate Warrior opened up a can of fresh whoop-ass(the creamy kind). Some sucker got tossed around the ring for about 15 minutes by a man who strongly resembled a stripper and finally got counted out by the the ref as a 200+ lb, half nekked, sweaty man layed across his chest. It was my Nirvana. I wanted more but I would have to let the memories dance around in my head for another week before I could catch another installment of my wraslin'.

Now maybe my memory fails me but that next week never came. At least not the way it should have been. I got older. I grew skeptical of these "scripted" matches and bought into the criticisms about wrestling being for the uneducated redneck masses along with nascar and mullet haircuts(aka Alabama neck warmers, business on top party in the back and Kentucky waterfalls). I fell out of love and found other more sophisticated things to entertain me like porn and super nintendo. But everyone has to grow up right? I guess. But I look back at it as an innocence lost.

Until tonight that is, when all those emotions came rushing back. When those memories of the Iron Sheik and Rowdy Roddy Piper began dancing in my head again. The hairs on the back of my neck were at full salute and the adrenaline pumped through all the veins in my body. It was during an episode of the new reality show called "Hogan Knows Best" on VH1. Its alot like the Osbournes but functional and without all the drugs and profanity and disrespect. Ok on second thought its nothing like the Osbournes but i digress. The show stars the the original icon of wraslin as we know it. Hulk Hogan embodied everything that was right with American culture and I am proud to say that I was there to witness his reign. In this episode he was was being inducted into the wrestling hall of fame and was being presented by Sly Stallone, his co-star in Rocky III years ago. It was a surreal moment and I became a bit weepy. I was unprepared to be thrusted back into these memories of my child hood that I has successfully surpressed all these years. No amount of college education could hold back the flood of excitement that consumed my body. And everything was right in the world when Hulk made a cameo the next night on the show at Wrestlemania. He caught a few bitches with a big red shinny boot to the dome after bouncin em off the ropes and made waste of some new school losers real quick for old times sake.
I then realized that I should embrace the fact that I come from a long line of some country nikkas. I mean some sharecropin', shit talkin, bream eatin nikkas and there aint nuffin I can do about it. And let me tell you BROTHER, that a negro was truly happy to be a red-neck this night. Nothing ever felt so righter.

Covert Lespianage

2005-01-26T15:33:00.000-08:00

Now let me preface these thoughts by saying that I am not a homophobe. But Ellen is fuckin it up for everyone. Us males have created enuff shit to fall back in as it relates to our relationships with women without lesbians dippin their hands into our honey pot. Pun intended. Ellen was cool with me when her relationships were cloaked in mystery and her dating practices garnered little attention. In fact I didnt mind lesbians doing their thing at all. But that was years ago when they did their recruiting from the softball leagues, WNBA and the entire WPGA. Didnt matter to us guys cuz they all pretty much looked and dressed like dudes anyway. So hey, no skin off of our teeth right? Well things quickly took a strange turn somewhere and before we knew it lesbians became the in thing. Girls were taking every opportunity to get it on with one another. And this was cool with most guys and we encouraged it. We knew that most were not really gay and that at the end of the day we still had a shot at landing that hot broad we just saw kissing the other hot broad. Then it was revealed that Ellen was in a relationship with Anne Heche. SHe wasnt the hottie of all hotties but still a brow raising break from the norm of the gender ambiguous couples of the past. But nothing to worry about right? Wrong! After Anne's much pubed breakdown, Ellen decided to step up her game and the stakes. She is now dating Portia de Rossi. Still not the hottie of all that is hot, but still too damn close for comfort. I realize this it is safe to say that most guys will go there entire lives without even getting to within 100 miles of a hottie the calibur of Portia. But from the early moments of our existence that we could appreciate that hour glass figure, we have had hopes, dream and fantasies that keep the drive in us alive. Ellen is stealing our dreams. And moreover our motivation. Now as a black male, I have never dated a white woman. But for me to not to be concerned would be irresponsible and very nearsighted. Anne Heche yesterday, Portia de Rossi today, Halle Berry tomorrow is my fear. This situation hasnt yet reached critical status. But make no mistake about it. The gauntlet has been thrown down. The battle between the Butch and the Boys for the hottie prize is on. Men its time to step up our game. Take care of the ones you got. Treat them right, hold them tight and for god sake dont let them out of your sight. Or on tv we will soon be seeing the topics of Jerry Springers next show read "My sister ate my honey". Thats not what we want fellas.